Things have changed drastically in my life over the last three years, and for the most part I have adjusted and the kids have adjusted. For the most part.
I miss having that traditional family, a Mom a Dad and kids doing things together, big things like vacations and holidays and little things like dinner and lazy mornings. It took me a while to realize that while I was mourning the loss of the old family unit, I still had a family with my kids, just a new and different kind of family. But I still miss it. It still hurts
It hurts when my daughter no longer wants to go back and forth between the homes but now stays solely with her mother, limiting our already strained relationship even more. I barely get to parent her and sometimes I feel like I am just her shuttle service, and even that will be short lived with her getting her license soon. How can I improve the relationship when I barely see her? It's frustrating, and while I won't give up I am letting go a bit more since the harder I try to hold on the more she slips away. It hurts.
It hurts when my young son comes home from school with a drawing of his family, and I, his father, am not in the picture. I know he loves me, but shit! Not inpare the picture. That cut me bad. It hurts.
It's hard not to feel sort of useless as a parent, not to throw my hands up, not to feel sorry for myself. It hurts.
Peace to the Planet...
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Monday, September 10, 2012
Monday, September 26, 2011
WTF?
I find myself asking this more frequently of late. What the Fuck? More accurately, what the fuck am I doing? or what the fuck am I doing wrong?
As a parent, I need to figure some shit out. Fast. Otherwise, I fear that I am (not so) slowly going insane. I need to figure out how to get through to my kids without nagging, without lecturing, without repetition and the frustration that it generates. I am consistent and clear, I don't yell, and I try to be patient but that is getting harder. I try to be constructive in my criticism and I try to be accepting of their individuality and the quirks that may bring. So... WTF?
Being a parent is difficult. Being a single co-parent is more difficult (with much respect and props to true single parents, gotta be the most difficult). No more backup, no more tag-team, no more help or support, at least not in the moment when you need it most. I feel fortunate that the ex and I do seem to co-parent pretty well, remaining on the same page most of the time, and we do have each other to consult for major decision making etc. The ex and I have different styles and strengths (and weaknesses) of parenting, and they tended to mesh pretty well. Sure we disagreed about things but we also brought the other a different perspective as well as support. I guess I am still getting used to that different dynamic as a parent.
I have my children with me half of the time, a week with and a week without. Sometimes by the end of my week with them (just finished in case you were wondering as far as the timing of this post...) frustration has risen and perspective is hard to come by. And then there is the week without them, which gives me time, perspective, and a refill on the patience tank.
Much like my personal search for happiness and meaning in life (beyond my kids) I am searching for answers as a parent and trying to be a better Dad. In some ways I feel like I have found some answers and have become a better Dad (being more understanding, accepting and a better listener) but in other ways I am backsliding or still searching ( I feel less patient, more easily frustrated and don't communicate well).
So I tell myself to be patient, hold insanity at bay and keep trying and searching. And I remind myself that I am so lucky to have three fantastic kids who I love more than anything and who occasionally happen to push me and challenge me. Hmmmm....I think I just stumbled on a bit of perspective there. I want to be a better Dad, but my kids are helping me be a better Dad simply by the challenges they present.
While it's surely no answer, that perspective may just help in finding some.
Peace to the Planet...
As a parent, I need to figure some shit out. Fast. Otherwise, I fear that I am (not so) slowly going insane. I need to figure out how to get through to my kids without nagging, without lecturing, without repetition and the frustration that it generates. I am consistent and clear, I don't yell, and I try to be patient but that is getting harder. I try to be constructive in my criticism and I try to be accepting of their individuality and the quirks that may bring. So... WTF?
Being a parent is difficult. Being a single co-parent is more difficult (with much respect and props to true single parents, gotta be the most difficult). No more backup, no more tag-team, no more help or support, at least not in the moment when you need it most. I feel fortunate that the ex and I do seem to co-parent pretty well, remaining on the same page most of the time, and we do have each other to consult for major decision making etc. The ex and I have different styles and strengths (and weaknesses) of parenting, and they tended to mesh pretty well. Sure we disagreed about things but we also brought the other a different perspective as well as support. I guess I am still getting used to that different dynamic as a parent.
I have my children with me half of the time, a week with and a week without. Sometimes by the end of my week with them (just finished in case you were wondering as far as the timing of this post...) frustration has risen and perspective is hard to come by. And then there is the week without them, which gives me time, perspective, and a refill on the patience tank.
Much like my personal search for happiness and meaning in life (beyond my kids) I am searching for answers as a parent and trying to be a better Dad. In some ways I feel like I have found some answers and have become a better Dad (being more understanding, accepting and a better listener) but in other ways I am backsliding or still searching ( I feel less patient, more easily frustrated and don't communicate well).
So I tell myself to be patient, hold insanity at bay and keep trying and searching. And I remind myself that I am so lucky to have three fantastic kids who I love more than anything and who occasionally happen to push me and challenge me. Hmmmm....I think I just stumbled on a bit of perspective there. I want to be a better Dad, but my kids are helping me be a better Dad simply by the challenges they present.
While it's surely no answer, that perspective may just help in finding some.
Peace to the Planet...
Friday, September 23, 2011
The Lecture Circuit
It happens gradually. When you become a parent, slowly, it becomes apparent (couldn't resist) how much like your own parents you begin to sound.
I find myself lecturing my kids more and more lately, even recycling some old bits that my folks used to lay on me. What is most frustrating is that I seem to be recycling my own lectures more and more, repeating the same concepts over and over (and over). This is where the similarity between myself and my parents ends (as far as lecturing). Either I was more scared of my parents and there consequences than my kids are of me, I was a better listener than my kids (possible but doubtful), or I simply don't remember droning, repeated lecture after same lecture (highly possible, I have a gift for blocking things from my memory, intentional or otherwise).
When I am aware of lecturing, repeated or otherwise, I try to rectify it by being a verbal boxer, if you will, getting in and out with quick jabs, making my point and letting it go. But this never seems to work and I resort to lengthy lectures ( a barrage of haymakers?) It is just as ineffective though.
Some have said my expectations are too high and I'm too demanding. Well I certainly wouldn't lecture as much if this wasn't at least true in part. While I don't expect perfection of my kids I do want the best for them and I do expect that they will try to maximize their true potential.
And is it expecting too much that after a 25 minute shower a twelve year old emerges, you know....clean? I was lamenting this incident recently with my Mom and she asked if he was actually in the shower (he was). By inference she was subtly reminding me of an incident of my own, when I was about the same age, when I was supposed to be showering, but was discovered merely running the shower while I stood enjoying the steam in the bathroom. Busted.
So, call it karma, what goes around comes around etc., whatever. Meanwhile I'm just trying to get off the lecture circuit.
Peace to the Planet...
I find myself lecturing my kids more and more lately, even recycling some old bits that my folks used to lay on me. What is most frustrating is that I seem to be recycling my own lectures more and more, repeating the same concepts over and over (and over). This is where the similarity between myself and my parents ends (as far as lecturing). Either I was more scared of my parents and there consequences than my kids are of me, I was a better listener than my kids (possible but doubtful), or I simply don't remember droning, repeated lecture after same lecture (highly possible, I have a gift for blocking things from my memory, intentional or otherwise).
When I am aware of lecturing, repeated or otherwise, I try to rectify it by being a verbal boxer, if you will, getting in and out with quick jabs, making my point and letting it go. But this never seems to work and I resort to lengthy lectures ( a barrage of haymakers?) It is just as ineffective though.
Some have said my expectations are too high and I'm too demanding. Well I certainly wouldn't lecture as much if this wasn't at least true in part. While I don't expect perfection of my kids I do want the best for them and I do expect that they will try to maximize their true potential.
And is it expecting too much that after a 25 minute shower a twelve year old emerges, you know....clean? I was lamenting this incident recently with my Mom and she asked if he was actually in the shower (he was). By inference she was subtly reminding me of an incident of my own, when I was about the same age, when I was supposed to be showering, but was discovered merely running the shower while I stood enjoying the steam in the bathroom. Busted.
So, call it karma, what goes around comes around etc., whatever. Meanwhile I'm just trying to get off the lecture circuit.
Peace to the Planet...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The price of whine
Parents, myself occasionally included, are pushovers. Especially when our kids whine in public. It is often easier, and keeps everyone, parents, child, and siblings, happier when we just give in. That's the price of whine.
This point was driven home in my store today when a Mom and her two kids were shopping and after a while they each made their selections. Mom signed the credit card slip, and all was good. Until...the daughter discovered another item she wanted and that her brother had gotten two items while she had only gotten one...so far. Cue the whining, accompanied by waterworks. Mom started getting a little frustrated and grumpy so I tried to help, offering to the little one that the other stores they were headed to were sure to have something she'd like and if not maybe then her Mom would bring her back. It worked too. Momentarily. The whining stopped and they even made it out the door. But soon I could hear the whining resume from out on the sidewalk. A minute later they were back, and made a purchase that evened the sibling scale out and all three left the store practically skipping out the door, smiles all around. "Have a great day!" they waved.
So I am only being slightly sarcastic when I note that maybe, just maybe, Money can buy happiness. Shit, in this case it cost only $4.24.
What a bargain.
Peace to the Planet...
This point was driven home in my store today when a Mom and her two kids were shopping and after a while they each made their selections. Mom signed the credit card slip, and all was good. Until...the daughter discovered another item she wanted and that her brother had gotten two items while she had only gotten one...so far. Cue the whining, accompanied by waterworks. Mom started getting a little frustrated and grumpy so I tried to help, offering to the little one that the other stores they were headed to were sure to have something she'd like and if not maybe then her Mom would bring her back. It worked too. Momentarily. The whining stopped and they even made it out the door. But soon I could hear the whining resume from out on the sidewalk. A minute later they were back, and made a purchase that evened the sibling scale out and all three left the store practically skipping out the door, smiles all around. "Have a great day!" they waved.
So I am only being slightly sarcastic when I note that maybe, just maybe, Money can buy happiness. Shit, in this case it cost only $4.24.
What a bargain.
Peace to the Planet...
Thursday, April 14, 2011
One of those days
Had one of those days as a parent that you simply try to get through. Survive. Hoping your sanity will be intact as well as all of your children's limbs. You want to scream, and often do. You want to do worse than scream and hopefully don't. If I had any hair left I'd pull it out. Grey? Coming on strong (the beard). Ozzy's "Crazy Train" playing in my head as I go off the rails toward a nervous breakdown.
At the end of the day-thankfully there was an end-I ask myself what happened, what was so bad, what could I have done better? Really it was just typical shit-teenage shit, sibling shit, communication shit, tired and cranky shit (me and them). Some days it simply wears me down, some days it gets to you a little (or a lot) more. And some days it's like they decide to gang up on me, all the shit at ONCE!-OK so here's the plan, I'll be hormonal and sulk all day, you contradict everything he says, and you...you, oh little one, do what you do best...Meltdown! Readyyyyy-Break!
Allright-so maybe that's a little dramatic-but maybe not. They're pretty smart and organized little shits, that really know how to execute a good plan.
No matter what; sanity-insanity, screaming-no screaming, limbs-no limbs, I love them and I am grateful for them. Even when they provide me with one of those days.
Peace to the Planet...
At the end of the day-thankfully there was an end-I ask myself what happened, what was so bad, what could I have done better? Really it was just typical shit-teenage shit, sibling shit, communication shit, tired and cranky shit (me and them). Some days it simply wears me down, some days it gets to you a little (or a lot) more. And some days it's like they decide to gang up on me, all the shit at ONCE!-OK so here's the plan, I'll be hormonal and sulk all day, you contradict everything he says, and you...you, oh little one, do what you do best...Meltdown! Readyyyyy-Break!
Allright-so maybe that's a little dramatic-but maybe not. They're pretty smart and organized little shits, that really know how to execute a good plan.
No matter what; sanity-insanity, screaming-no screaming, limbs-no limbs, I love them and I am grateful for them. Even when they provide me with one of those days.
Peace to the Planet...
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