Five stages of Mourning, three stages of Jealousy...

...and a partridge in a pear tree.


  Divorce can be like experiencing a death in the family, I had been warned.  I have found this to be very true in my case.  In fact for a while I thought it was the death of my  family, and it was.  But it was the death of my family that included my ex. After going through most of the five stages-depression, anger, bargaining, and denial,  the last stage, acceptance, allowed me to realize that although I had lost my family unit as previously constituted, I still had a family.  It's just a new family.  Thank god for my children, because even though the worst part of the divorce for me was that they were innocent bystanders, they have been the best part of my life and have helped to get me through.  I wish I was half as adaptable as they are.
  So, like I said, I experienced the five stages of grief both for my marriage, and for my family as formerly constituted.  Under the deceitful circumstances of the end of my marriage, I have also experienced several stages of jealousy as well.
 The first stage of jealousy is the straightforward kind, I was jealous of him.  What's she doing with him?  What's he got that I don't?  That should be me with her. etc.  The next stage surprised me, but only a little.  I was jealous of him being with my kids. First he's taken my place with her, now he's taking my place with them too?  With some help and acceptance  I came to realize  that he may be spending time with my kids (still not easy) but he's never going to take my place.  I am their Dad.  I always will be.  Nothing will ever change that.
  There has been one aspect of both loss and jealousy that I was quite surprised to experience, and that is the loss of  the relationship (and ensuing jealousy of his new relationship) with my former in-laws (ex-laws?).
  I never came to call them Mom or Dad (too weird for me, I had a Mom and Dad), but they were very accepting of me and my relationship with the ex, they supported our choices, and in general we had a good healthy relationship.  I also had a good relationship with the ex's sister and extended family as well, and got to know many of them quite well over our nineteen years together.  In fact I got call from the ex's folks this past Father's Day wishing me well and thanking me for being a good Dad to their grandchildren. Thankfully they continued to support me right through the end of our marriage (and beyond), and while they are still a small part of my life simply be extension of my kids, it's obviously not the same.  I miss having that relationship with them.
  I am now beyond the acceptance stage in this particular mourning but it was brought to light a few months back.  It was Passover and Hex was going to be spending it with two of my three kids,  the ex and ex-laws.  I was a little surprised when it bothered me just as much that he was going to be with  the ex and kids as the fact that he was now taking my place with my ex-laws too.  I found myself hoping that they hated him.  I was jealous.
 I don't like feeling jealous-who does?  But working through all the stages and feelings and finally coming to the point of acceptance makes things easier.  Not easy, easier.  In fact my kids are on vacation with the ex and Hex (and his kids I think) right now, at my former sister in-law's house in Tahoe and I'm hardly jealous at all of that no good, scumbag motherfucker.  OK so maybe I've got a little further to go on that part of the acceptance stage.

A related side note on...
Acceptance.  On our penultimate anniversary I was about to move out of my home to give her the "space" she needed.  It was a trial separation and it was the last thing I wanted to do but also the last thing I felt I could do to save our marriage. So we weren't exactly celebrating (although I still had a faint bit of hope) but we noted the occasion with some time alone, together.  I honestly don't recall if I gave her anything other than a card, but I do recall what she gave me.  It was a little glass "stone" or flat marble, and on it was printed the word, acceptance.  At the time I was a bit miffed.  Not because this was such a literal "token gift" but because it felt like she was telling me to "just get over it".  Well even when you know what you need to do, doing it is different than knowing it.  Being told by someone else, anyone else, what you know you need to do  makes it even worse.  I often thought of smashing that piece of glass into dust with a hammer, but I didn't.  I actually carried it in my pocket for quite a while and I still have it, although the word has worn off.
  It has taken me a while but I have finally received her gift of "Acceptance", but to be truthful it is a gift I have given myself.
  Sometimes it comes easier than others but acceptance, for me, is kind of the turning point between the end of the healing process and the beginning of moving forward.  It is also a fluid thing, I may be more accepting of a situation today and less tomorrow.  It's a process, as they say.

Here's to acceptance...

Peace and Acceptance to the Planet...