Five stages of Mourning, three stages of Jealousy...

...and a partridge in a pear tree.


  Divorce can be like experiencing a death in the family, I had been warned.  I have found this to be very true in my case.  In fact for a while I thought it was the death of my  family, and it was.  But it was the death of my family that included my ex. After going through most of the five stages-depression, anger, bargaining, and denial,  the last stage, acceptance, allowed me to realize that although I had lost my family unit as previously constituted, I still had a family.  It's just a new family.  Thank god for my children, because even though the worst part of the divorce for me was that they were innocent bystanders, they have been the best part of my life and have helped to get me through.  I wish I was half as adaptable as they are.
  So, like I said, I experienced the five stages of grief both for my marriage, and for my family as formerly constituted.  Under the deceitful circumstances of the end of my marriage, I have also experienced several stages of jealousy as well.
 The first stage of jealousy is the straightforward kind, I was jealous of him.  What's she doing with him?  What's he got that I don't?  That should be me with her. etc.  The next stage surprised me, but only a little.  I was jealous of him being with my kids. First he's taken my place with her, now he's taking my place with them too?  With some help and acceptance  I came to realize  that he may be spending time with my kids (still not easy) but he's never going to take my place.  I am their Dad.  I always will be.  Nothing will ever change that.
  There has been one aspect of both loss and jealousy that I was quite surprised to experience, and that is the loss of  the relationship (and ensuing jealousy of his new relationship) with my former in-laws (ex-laws?).
  I never came to call them Mom or Dad (too weird for me, I had a Mom and Dad), but they were very accepting of me and my relationship with the ex, they supported our choices, and in general we had a good healthy relationship.  I also had a good relationship with the ex's sister and extended family as well, and got to know many of them quite well over our nineteen years together.  In fact I got call from the ex's folks this past Father's Day wishing me well and thanking me for being a good Dad to their grandchildren. Thankfully they continued to support me right through the end of our marriage (and beyond), and while they are still a small part of my life simply be extension of my kids, it's obviously not the same.  I miss having that relationship with them.
  I am now beyond the acceptance stage in this particular mourning but it was brought to light a few months back.  It was Passover and Hex was going to be spending it with two of my three kids,  the ex and ex-laws.  I was a little surprised when it bothered me just as much that he was going to be with  the ex and kids as the fact that he was now taking my place with my ex-laws too.  I found myself hoping that they hated him.  I was jealous.
 I don't like feeling jealous-who does?  But working through all the stages and feelings and finally coming to the point of acceptance makes things easier.  Not easy, easier.  In fact my kids are on vacation with the ex and Hex (and his kids I think) right now, at my former sister in-law's house in Tahoe and I'm hardly jealous at all of that no good, scumbag motherfucker.  OK so maybe I've got a little further to go on that part of the acceptance stage.

A related side note on...
Acceptance.  On our penultimate anniversary I was about to move out of my home to give her the "space" she needed.  It was a trial separation and it was the last thing I wanted to do but also the last thing I felt I could do to save our marriage. So we weren't exactly celebrating (although I still had a faint bit of hope) but we noted the occasion with some time alone, together.  I honestly don't recall if I gave her anything other than a card, but I do recall what she gave me.  It was a little glass "stone" or flat marble, and on it was printed the word, acceptance.  At the time I was a bit miffed.  Not because this was such a literal "token gift" but because it felt like she was telling me to "just get over it".  Well even when you know what you need to do, doing it is different than knowing it.  Being told by someone else, anyone else, what you know you need to do  makes it even worse.  I often thought of smashing that piece of glass into dust with a hammer, but I didn't.  I actually carried it in my pocket for quite a while and I still have it, although the word has worn off.
  It has taken me a while but I have finally received her gift of "Acceptance", but to be truthful it is a gift I have given myself.
  Sometimes it comes easier than others but acceptance, for me, is kind of the turning point between the end of the healing process and the beginning of moving forward.  It is also a fluid thing, I may be more accepting of a situation today and less tomorrow.  It's a process, as they say.

Here's to acceptance...

Peace and Acceptance to the Planet...

The ex's Hex from Texas

   I've always been a sucker for good (or any) alliteration*, and this phrase kept coming to mind this weekend.

  As previously noted, my ex is much further along in the process of moving forward than I am.  As in- she had a boyfriend (the Hex from Texas-let's just call him Hex) before I had moved out of the house she and I shared.  Painful. (By the way, it's true, everything IS  bigger in Texas-even assholes as it turns out!) So in the meantime I've been dealing with the shock, jealousy and pain of this and the subsequent divorce.  A year later now,  I feel like I may be starting to get my feet under me, although a little wobbly still.  In other words it doesn't take much to knock me down, emotionally speaking.
 
  So why was this alliterative  phrase coming to mind this weekend?  Well, because Hex came for the weekend. The ex and Hex have been maintaining a long distance relationship for (at least)  the past year. This must take a lot of work, I think to myself, if only she had worked this hard on our relationship!   (Irony and alliteration in one post-stay tuned folks!)  No, this is not the ex's and the Hex's first visit-she's been to Texas several times and he's been here several times as well-including enjoying Thanksgiving dinner here, in my old home, with my old wife, AND with MY KIDS!  More pain!. (I have much to be thankful for but this was a particularly trying Thanksgiving for me.)  Like salt in the wound, you know? (Oooh-now we've got a simile and a cliche in one sentence!)  But it is always worse when he visits here-it's in my face, on my turf (this is the town I grew up in), in my old home, in my old bed etc.  The last time Hex showed up, the ex actually asked if she could take the kids (during my time with them) so that they could have some (bonding!) time with Hex. (Yup-she's got a pair-eh?)


  I'll give the ex credit- at least she let me know Hex was going to be around, showing me much appreciated consideration (sarcasm? check!). Seriously, at least I was prepared (by that I mean obsessively overwrought with anguish) so that when I went to pick up the kids for the weekend I wouldn't be caught off guard by my first face to face with Hex.
 
 What I wasn't prepared for was more salt in the wound coming from my six year old son (unintentional, of course-he's blissfully self centered [age appropriate-I like to think] and unaware of much about the divorce other than Mom and Dad now live apart.)  I'm pretty sure my son loves me (insecure sarcasm? check!) but he is definitely a Mama's boy, always was.  So naturally, when leaving for his time with me,  this makes saying goodbye to Mom hard (on all three of us).  He's fine when the transition is a pick up at school.  He loves his time with me and certainly doesn't spend it pining for Mom or even asking to call etc.  But it's definitely, and infinitely more difficult when I have to take him from her, and even worse still when this happens at her place (the only home he's ever known until I got my apartment).  So I was prepared for some of the usual difficulties when this situation arose this weekend.  And I was prepared for the uncomfortable nature of the Hex's mere presence.  But, what I was not prepared for was my son begging to stay with Mom so he could be with Hex!  OUCH!  This was a different kind of pain, a different kind of jealousy.  Damn, the ego does take a beating....

  Luckily I had a secret weapon-Dunkin' Donuts! (as I said, I was prepared for the usual stuff-thankfully it worked for the unexpected stuff also)  Yes, the lure of  Dunkin' Donuts (America runs on Dunkin'....it's true!) did the trick, we left without tears from him and without further embarrassment and ego bruising for me.  Not only did the donuts smooth the transition for my son, but they had the unexpected and  pleasant benefit of being a  bit of salve to my own, lightly salted, wounds. (Pun? not exactly, but I tried...a play between two cliches maybe?)

As the great philosopher, Homer, once said "Mmmmmm, donuts!"
(There we go! Pun? Check!)

So while not quite having it all, this post did have a heaping helping, including; alliteration, irony, simile (no metaphor-dang it!) cliche, sarcasm, puns and even a moral (be prepared!)  Now if I could only figure out how to get the e in cliche to have the proper accent (acute, not grave, I believe, although I always thought my French teacher Mme. Marquis was said it with a "G" like accent a-goo. Now thinking I should change the name of the  blog to "Wild Tangents"-just a thought....(would also make a great name for a band!)

Peace to the Planet....


*I'm going with this definition of alliteration-thank you dictionary.com
the commencement of two or more stressed syllables of a word group either with the same consonant sound or soundgroup (consonantal alliteration)

Someone Like You

  Tried listening to Adele's "Someone Like You" again last night-didn't tear up but couldn't listen to the whole thing either.  What amazes me is for someone to have that kind of perspective while still experiencing the pain, and feeling "miserable and lonely" as she was.
  It just dawned on me that what may help give Adele that perspective is her youth.  I am often guilty of feeling sorry for myself but I think most would agree that it is probably easier to be able to look forward to starting over in your twenties than in your forties (suddenly I'm one of those people with "baggage").  But maybe not.  It would also seem easier (not easy) to move on after a relationship of five or ten years than one of twenty or thirty years. Again, maybe not, maybe it's just me.  I truly wish I could be one of those people who wants "nothing but the best for you" as Adele sings, for their ex, but I'm just not there.  Not yet anyway.  Not that I want bad things for the ex (though, admittedly  there have been "fantasies" but that's all they are, fantasies).  What I am is one of those people who simply wish that she felt the depth of pain and misery that I do (Adele's line-"I had hoped you'd see my face and be reminded that for me it isn't over").  I know it hasn't been easy for her either and she has had her share of pain, but the ex appears to have had a much easier time moving on.  Makes me wonder.  Not too great for the ol' ego when you're that easy to get over.
  But here's the thing, and it's what I really connect with in "Someone Like You", the ex has already settled into a very serious relationship and I am still alone (not that I want a relationship {yet} for myself, definitely not there yet either). How can I feel happy about that?  "Guess she gives you things I didn't give to you" Adele sings, leaving me to think that I could have and should have done more in my marriage.  But it also makes me think- how was I suppose to fulfill needs the ex not only didn't communicate to me but didn't even realize (she now admits) that she had?
  "Never mind, I'll find someone like you"-that's right Adele, and if I'm lucky I'll  find someone even better, or better for me anyway.  Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste...had enough of the bitter, getting closer to the sweet.

Damn.  Made it all the way through (sniff, sniff).  But with her pipes and singing with such emotion, who doesn't feel the heartbreak?  I used to be big on avoidance, emotions or otherwise, but I've realized that it's sometimes OK,  and often beneficial to let myself really feel the pain, letting it wash over me.  It's better (and easier) than holding it in or holding on to it indefinitely.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.... indeed....

Peace to the Planet....

Memories

  Talk about life being a learning process...I always thought a memory was just that , simply a memory, static and unchanging (fading a bit maybe...).  Bad memories get filed away, left alone, drawn on only to put something worse in perspective.  Good memories are relished, relived, retold and treasured.  But what happens when a good memory is now more pain than pleasure?
  How does that happen?  I certainly never thought about it and never really considered the possibility.  Not before my divorce.  The dichotomy has been slapping me in the face as I have been going throught the painful process of having my life and marriage torn apart.
  I have one of those screensavers that is a slideshow of all my photo files. It's great-pictures of the kids through the years, current shots randomly followed by baby photos, silly faces, vacations, soccer games, ballet recitals.  Then there are the shots of me and the ex dressed to the nines for a friends wedding,  self taken shots (my signature-arm extended, subjects slightly off center) of us on the beach kissing,  birthdays or better (worse?) both of us elated and exhausted (her more than me) after the birth of our son.  Painful.  It's hard to fathom when I stop and realize that;  two years ago these images/memories brought a smile, a year ago they brought a bit of hope, and now they bring pain and regret.
  I think my ex is further along in the process (in fact I know she is) because she is (still/again?) able to look back on these things fondly.  Maybe someday I will too but I am definitely not there yet.  Yes they were good times, happy times, times I appreciated in the moment, but not enough-I took them for granted.  Or rather I took for granted the fact that they would continue indefinitely.  That's where the pain comes from-not from the good memory, but the realization that there will be no more.  Not that I don't think I will ever have anything in the future to be happy about or to look back on  happily.  But it's the break in the continuum,  an end of that particular timeline.  The shared history and shared experiences are not lost, but they won't continue either.  That meant a lot to me.  We had been together nearly twenty years- that's a lot of history shared.  But because we're not together, we don't really share that history-it's just something we have in common.
  Time (or what happens during that time-also known as life) is like magic-it has an amazing way of putting things in (a different) perspective.  Whether it's marriage or divorce, births or deaths, basically beginnings or endings-everything changes over time, and our perspective on memories-good or bad-is no exception.
  I do look forward to a time in the future when I have created a new history, with new memories, and new shared experiences that will stay that way-shared.

Peace to the planet...

The power of music

       Most of us realize the effect music can have on atmosphere or setting.  Whether you are trying to set a meditative or romantic mood, or a party atmosphere, music can make all the difference in the world.  I have now come to realize the power of music to not only effect atmosphere and setting but how deeply it can effect emotions.
      I don't know if anyone else is like this, but for me, I go on streaks or binges with certain things; for a while all I'll do is watch sports on TV (all right this is more of a constant) , lately I've been on a book binge-one after another, and the same with cooking or art-I'll have stale periods followed by bursts of creativity and inspiration.
      Most recently I have been immersing myself in music (mostly listening-my playing ability is often too frustrating to be able to enjoy-although I do like singing-but I digress).  Thanks to an old friend, I was reintroduced to some music I used to love passionately but had sort of neglected and forgotten while exploring other, newer (to me) musical genres.  But it was like an avalanche-once I started, I couldn't stop.  He had posted some youtube links to a band's old videos (pretty poor from the video production angle but the music stands the test of time).  One of the cool things about youtube is that it gives you suggestions for other stuff based on what you are viewing.  So one thing leads to another- it's like a stream of consciousness thing, delving deeper into a particular style, but then exploring tangents.  That's how I started by head banging to Black Sabbath's very heavy War Pigs and ended up grooving to the rockabilly stylings of Robert Plant and Allyson Krauss collaborating on Gone, Gone, Gone.  It was like a buzz, and I couldn't get enough, which brings me back to my point (finally).  I got a rush, felt energized, almost like a jump start-nerves a tingling.  In other words more than just setting a mood or atmosphere I suddenly felt ALIVE!
   So continuing on my musical binge/exploration I clicked on another friends link/suggestion for  an Adele song.  I don't know much of her, but I do know she has an amazing voice, and have really enjoyed what little I have heard. The song was Someone Like You.  Wow!  As expected she just nailed it (live on Kimmel)- but man did it effect me-I went from electrically alive to somberly fighting back tears-powerful is the best description of the effect- and I was stunned at the sudden turnaround of emotions.
    This realization of the power of music brought me back to when I was struggling with the end of my marriage.  I had sought advice through various outlets and found myself on a website for men going through divorce.  One guy's shared experience  really jumped out at me. He mentioned that for almost a year he couldn't listen to music (with lyrics), it was too painful and depressing.  That was me!  I had been having a pretty hard time with things and had found myself in tears numerous times while listening to songs that evoked memories, seemed to describe my situation or chirped happily about the love they had found that I had lost.  It seemed like every song was about love or love lost. I guess it's no wonder, as love and the loss of  love are both pretty inspiring from a creative standpoint.  At the time, I was feeling overwhelmed by everything and was sort of surprised to find myself in a pit of despair.  To carry the pit analogy further, instead of helping, music felt more like dirt was being piled on from above...I felt buried.  In the past I had been able to find solace in music but suddenly  it was making things worse, ugh.
   That was a while ago now-as many friends and family had told me, time did indeed help lessen the pain.  As I found out listening to Adele, the scars are still pretty sensitive though.  I am very glad to have found myself able to enjoy most music again...think I'll stick to Sabbath for a while though, not too much crying over that.


Peace to the Planet
and thanks to my old buddy Piggy-rock on brother...