Wow!

File this one under "Things I never thought I'd hear my daughter say"....

Wow! that's a big Dick's!

Thankfully she was referring to the sporting goods store and not the male anatomy, caught me a little of guard but I had to laugh...

The price of whine

  Parents, myself occasionally included, are pushovers.  Especially when our kids whine in public.  It is often easier, and keeps everyone, parents, child, and siblings, happier when we just give in.  That's the price of whine.        
  This point was driven home in my store today when a Mom and her two kids were shopping and after a while they each made their selections.  Mom signed the credit card slip, and all was good.  Until...the daughter discovered another item she wanted and that her brother had gotten two items while she had only gotten one...so far.  Cue the whining, accompanied by waterworks.  Mom started getting a little frustrated and grumpy so I tried to help, offering to the little one that the other stores they were headed to were sure to have something she'd like and if not maybe then her Mom would bring her back.  It worked too.  Momentarily.  The whining stopped and they even made it out the door.  But soon I could hear the whining resume from out on the sidewalk.  A minute later they were back, and made a purchase that evened the sibling scale out and all three left the store practically skipping out the door, smiles all around.  "Have a great day!" they waved.
  So I am only being slightly sarcastic when I note that maybe, just maybe, Money can buy happiness.  Shit, in this case it cost only $4.24.
What a bargain.

Peace to the Planet...

Five stages of Mourning, three stages of Jealousy...

...and a partridge in a pear tree.


  Divorce can be like experiencing a death in the family, I had been warned.  I have found this to be very true in my case.  In fact for a while I thought it was the death of my  family, and it was.  But it was the death of my family that included my ex. After going through most of the five stages-depression, anger, bargaining, and denial,  the last stage, acceptance, allowed me to realize that although I had lost my family unit as previously constituted, I still had a family.  It's just a new family.  Thank god for my children, because even though the worst part of the divorce for me was that they were innocent bystanders, they have been the best part of my life and have helped to get me through.  I wish I was half as adaptable as they are.
  So, like I said, I experienced the five stages of grief both for my marriage, and for my family as formerly constituted.  Under the deceitful circumstances of the end of my marriage, I have also experienced several stages of jealousy as well.
 The first stage of jealousy is the straightforward kind, I was jealous of him.  What's she doing with him?  What's he got that I don't?  That should be me with her. etc.  The next stage surprised me, but only a little.  I was jealous of him being with my kids. First he's taken my place with her, now he's taking my place with them too?  With some help and acceptance  I came to realize  that he may be spending time with my kids (still not easy) but he's never going to take my place.  I am their Dad.  I always will be.  Nothing will ever change that.
  There has been one aspect of both loss and jealousy that I was quite surprised to experience, and that is the loss of  the relationship (and ensuing jealousy of his new relationship) with my former in-laws (ex-laws?).
  I never came to call them Mom or Dad (too weird for me, I had a Mom and Dad), but they were very accepting of me and my relationship with the ex, they supported our choices, and in general we had a good healthy relationship.  I also had a good relationship with the ex's sister and extended family as well, and got to know many of them quite well over our nineteen years together.  In fact I got call from the ex's folks this past Father's Day wishing me well and thanking me for being a good Dad to their grandchildren. Thankfully they continued to support me right through the end of our marriage (and beyond), and while they are still a small part of my life simply be extension of my kids, it's obviously not the same.  I miss having that relationship with them.
  I am now beyond the acceptance stage in this particular mourning but it was brought to light a few months back.  It was Passover and Hex was going to be spending it with two of my three kids,  the ex and ex-laws.  I was a little surprised when it bothered me just as much that he was going to be with  the ex and kids as the fact that he was now taking my place with my ex-laws too.  I found myself hoping that they hated him.  I was jealous.
 I don't like feeling jealous-who does?  But working through all the stages and feelings and finally coming to the point of acceptance makes things easier.  Not easy, easier.  In fact my kids are on vacation with the ex and Hex (and his kids I think) right now, at my former sister in-law's house in Tahoe and I'm hardly jealous at all of that no good, scumbag motherfucker.  OK so maybe I've got a little further to go on that part of the acceptance stage.

A related side note on...
Acceptance.  On our penultimate anniversary I was about to move out of my home to give her the "space" she needed.  It was a trial separation and it was the last thing I wanted to do but also the last thing I felt I could do to save our marriage. So we weren't exactly celebrating (although I still had a faint bit of hope) but we noted the occasion with some time alone, together.  I honestly don't recall if I gave her anything other than a card, but I do recall what she gave me.  It was a little glass "stone" or flat marble, and on it was printed the word, acceptance.  At the time I was a bit miffed.  Not because this was such a literal "token gift" but because it felt like she was telling me to "just get over it".  Well even when you know what you need to do, doing it is different than knowing it.  Being told by someone else, anyone else, what you know you need to do  makes it even worse.  I often thought of smashing that piece of glass into dust with a hammer, but I didn't.  I actually carried it in my pocket for quite a while and I still have it, although the word has worn off.
  It has taken me a while but I have finally received her gift of "Acceptance", but to be truthful it is a gift I have given myself.
  Sometimes it comes easier than others but acceptance, for me, is kind of the turning point between the end of the healing process and the beginning of moving forward.  It is also a fluid thing, I may be more accepting of a situation today and less tomorrow.  It's a process, as they say.

Here's to acceptance...

Peace and Acceptance to the Planet...

Some people...

One of my lesser qualities, one that I am working hard to address, is being a bit judge-mental (emphasis on judge, more emphasis on mental). But  let's just say that there is a certain type of person that bothers me. A lot.
  I am speaking of the type of person that feels that just because they can do something (or more specifically that they can get away with doing something),  they will go ahead and do it.  And I'm not talking about a fat guy wearing a speedo or  an insecure woman getting too much cosmetic surgery.  Granted they are both cases of bad judgement but they don't really affect other people (other than catching a glimpse of the "bad judgement" and at least at that point one can avert their eyes {but then again, sometimes it does have that car wreck quality where you find yourself staring in disbelief}).  But I digress.  What I am talking about is stuff that does affect other people.  Directly.      Stuff like working the system for unemployment/welfare/medicaid,  or shoplifting, or even parking in a fire lane or handicapped spot. Some people seem to feel like these are victimless acts like jay walking or smoking pot.  Most people know better.

  Maybe people that bend or break the rules and scam the system to obtain social assistance of any kind feel entitled or that no one will be hurt by them taking their little slice of the pie.  The regulations are there for a reason, so their entitlement is misplaced.   And clearly if they weren't taking "their little slice" there would be more pie for those who truly need/deserve it.  Then, if you multiply by the number of people scamming the systems it is no longer a little slice, but now a big slice of a pie that otherwise wouldn't need to be so big.  In other words the rest of us may not have to pay in quite so much because we wouldn't be feeding scammers.

  Maybe people that shoplift feel entitled to steal thinking "This company is so big and wealthy they won't  miss it, plus they've been getting rich on people like me", or "If this store is so lame they can't  catch me they deserve to get ripped off.", or "Who is this really going to hurt?".  For large companies it hurts plenty of people: stockholders who are not necessarily rich don't get their due profits or dividends, employees who may miss bonuses, promotions or worse... get fired, and even the wealthy upper management-these people who have worked hard deserve their fair share even if they are already well off. And for a small operator it is even more keenly felt.  I own a store and when someone steals from me obviously it affects my profits, my income, and by extension my family.  I have given serious consideration to putting up signs stating that if you steal from me you are stealing from my children, haven't yet but it is true.  Trust me, I notice when something is missing, and it does hurt.   Not just my bottom line either, I have a definite sense of being violated when someone has stolen from me.  And big or small, it is difficult to completely eliminate theft so a store must include "shrinkage" into the budget, meaning that in the end, just like with social assistance,  we all end up paying a bit more in the form of higher prices.

The parking example may seem harmless and inconsequential, but it's not (plus it is admittedly a huge  pet peeve). Whether in the handicapped spot or in the Fire Lane, rarely is the car there for the  "quick" moment or two imagined by the transgressor.  To be honest, has a building ever burned to the ground because there was a car parked in the Fire Lane? Probably not.  And I am sure it is quite rare that a handicapped person or their driver was unable to park because an able person took their spot.  But this comes down to common decency-"my convenience is more important than your inconvenience".  It is inconvenient for a person to have to circle a lot until a designated spot opens.  And it is inconvenient and unsafe when people have to hop curbs, squeeze between bushes, snowbanks etc. or have to navigate around parked vehicles in what is typically a busy area like a fire lane.

Is it a sense of entitlement,  feeling they are above the law/rules, or just a general sense of superiority?
Where I live,  it often seems like all of the above.

Or maybe it's just a brain fart, kinda silent but deadly, and it still stinks.

So is it OK to be a little judgemental?  Especially when, like in this case, it's not about judging between better (me) and worse (them) but about right (me) and wrong (them).  Maybe that's just semantics.  But who's to judge?


Peace to the WHOLE Planet...