Things have changed drastically in my life over the last three years, and for the most part I have adjusted and the kids have adjusted. For the most part.
I miss having that traditional family, a Mom a Dad and kids doing things together, big things like vacations and holidays and little things like dinner and lazy mornings. It took me a while to realize that while I was mourning the loss of the old family unit, I still had a family with my kids, just a new and different kind of family. But I still miss it. It still hurts
It hurts when my daughter no longer wants to go back and forth between the homes but now stays solely with her mother, limiting our already strained relationship even more. I barely get to parent her and sometimes I feel like I am just her shuttle service, and even that will be short lived with her getting her license soon. How can I improve the relationship when I barely see her? It's frustrating, and while I won't give up I am letting go a bit more since the harder I try to hold on the more she slips away. It hurts.
It hurts when my young son comes home from school with a drawing of his family, and I, his father, am not in the picture. I know he loves me, but shit! Not inpare the picture. That cut me bad. It hurts.
It's hard not to feel sort of useless as a parent, not to throw my hands up, not to feel sorry for myself. It hurts.
Peace to the Planet...
Monday, September 10, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Sometimes I wonder...
I know that at times, to other people, we all have our moments of ignorance. You know, when you do or say something and there's no turning back and no rational explanation that can be given, nothing to say that won't make the matter seem even worse. To both yourself and the other person/people.
But sometimes I wonder how some people make it through the day. And through the next day. And eventually through life.
For example I had two exchanges with what appeared to be a fully functioning woman, while she was shopping in my store. First she approached holding a "Harleys Rule" coffee mug-"Does this mean Harley the motorcycle?" she asked "Yes." I replied. Certainly not the all time dumbest question I've been asked, but Harley is one of the world's most recognized brands and I was left wondering, is there some other Harley? Ah, whatever, maybe there are a whole bunch of Harleys out there with other meanings and associations and I am the ignorant one. Then she brings up a car magnet, one of those oval "euro" deals just like the decals except, you know, its a magnet. It sticks to metal. You can move it or remove it if you want to. It is clearly marked "magnet". She knows this is a magnet, sees it , reads it, and then she says it. "will this magnet stick to glass?" she asks. "No." I reply resisting the urge to add that it will stick to metal however. Now I don't mean to be condescending; we all have our "blind spots"-mine in the realm of anything mechanical or involving any tools more elaborate than a hammer, screwdriver and pliers. But imagining this woman out in the world or worse in a grocery store left me wondering what it must be like. Seriously. I felt a little bad, I mean I don't have to go to the hardware store (much) or the auto parts store (at all). But everybody has to grocery shop, don't they? And if they don't, without the necessities that we buy at the market, they'd have to make menu choices at a restaurant (even worse or harder for someone like this than shopping) and select a hotel or motel. Imagine checking in to your hotel room, finding a queen bed and (gulp) you're not a queen.
Maybe a little harsh but I do sometimes wonder how people like this function. seriously.
I know that at times, to other people, we all have our moments of ignorance. You know, when you do or say something and there's no turning back and no rational explanation that can be given, nothing to say that won't make the matter seem even worse. To both yourself and the other person/people.
But sometimes I wonder how some people make it through the day. And through the next day. And eventually through life.
For example I had two exchanges with what appeared to be a fully functioning woman, while she was shopping in my store. First she approached holding a "Harleys Rule" coffee mug-"Does this mean Harley the motorcycle?" she asked "Yes." I replied. Certainly not the all time dumbest question I've been asked, but Harley is one of the world's most recognized brands and I was left wondering, is there some other Harley? Ah, whatever, maybe there are a whole bunch of Harleys out there with other meanings and associations and I am the ignorant one. Then she brings up a car magnet, one of those oval "euro" deals just like the decals except, you know, its a magnet. It sticks to metal. You can move it or remove it if you want to. It is clearly marked "magnet". She knows this is a magnet, sees it , reads it, and then she says it. "will this magnet stick to glass?" she asks. "No." I reply resisting the urge to add that it will stick to metal however. Now I don't mean to be condescending; we all have our "blind spots"-mine in the realm of anything mechanical or involving any tools more elaborate than a hammer, screwdriver and pliers. But imagining this woman out in the world or worse in a grocery store left me wondering what it must be like. Seriously. I felt a little bad, I mean I don't have to go to the hardware store (much) or the auto parts store (at all). But everybody has to grocery shop, don't they? And if they don't, without the necessities that we buy at the market, they'd have to make menu choices at a restaurant (even worse or harder for someone like this than shopping) and select a hotel or motel. Imagine checking in to your hotel room, finding a queen bed and (gulp) you're not a queen.
Maybe a little harsh but I do sometimes wonder how people like this function. seriously.
Nature reigns in the mystery of history
Branches break, deer leaps
Picking Summer's fine bouquet
Bells ring nine, all at once
an artist painting with words or a child scribbling madness with crayons?
Nature cries for you and for me. on my bald head, rain drops.
Walking through summer's smells of the past, rain on pavement, Summer's sweet perfume, bats feeding overhead as light falls from the sky, losing its battle with the stars. I walk in with a bunch of flowers, no vase to be found, and they end up on the counter, then in a glass of water. And I head back out into the light drips of rain, falling through the streetlights, a curtain falling down on the day. No drama on this stage, just the past peeking out from every corner and hiding behind each house I pass.
Picking Summer's fine bouquet
Bells ring nine, all at once
an artist painting with words or a child scribbling madness with crayons?
Nature cries for you and for me. on my bald head, rain drops.
Walking through summer's smells of the past, rain on pavement, Summer's sweet perfume, bats feeding overhead as light falls from the sky, losing its battle with the stars. I walk in with a bunch of flowers, no vase to be found, and they end up on the counter, then in a glass of water. And I head back out into the light drips of rain, falling through the streetlights, a curtain falling down on the day. No drama on this stage, just the past peeking out from every corner and hiding behind each house I pass.
Eye contact
She could barely see, but she drove methodically on, like a slowly rolling river finding the path of least resistance and propelled by gravity. The windshield wipers could barely keep up with the waves falling from a sky the color of a cold arctic ocean. But they couldn't wipe away the tears falling even harder than the rain. It was amazing she could even stay on the road, but this was a dream. Wasn't it? Yes. She was sure of it. So sure, she let go of the wheel. Fuck it, why not? Watching her hands fall to her sides in slow motion, as though they were someone else's, she turned to find a passing pedestrian slogging through the torrents. He turned at the same time, his eyes meeting hers, locking on and not letting go. Afraid- no, unable to look away, she saw darkness, she saw light. And then he was there, holding her in the rain on the side of the road and she laughed, rain and tears confused on her cheeks. Taking what felt like her very first breath she could hardly find her voice "You saved me" she whispered, eyes still locked. . "It's just a dream" he replied.
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