I find myself asking this more frequently of late. What the Fuck? More accurately, what the fuck am I doing? or what the fuck am I doing wrong?
As a parent, I need to figure some shit out. Fast. Otherwise, I fear that I am (not so) slowly going insane. I need to figure out how to get through to my kids without nagging, without lecturing, without repetition and the frustration that it generates. I am consistent and clear, I don't yell, and I try to be patient but that is getting harder. I try to be constructive in my criticism and I try to be accepting of their individuality and the quirks that may bring. So... WTF?
Being a parent is difficult. Being a single co-parent is more difficult (with much respect and props to true single parents, gotta be the most difficult). No more backup, no more tag-team, no more help or support, at least not in the moment when you need it most. I feel fortunate that the ex and I do seem to co-parent pretty well, remaining on the same page most of the time, and we do have each other to consult for major decision making etc. The ex and I have different styles and strengths (and weaknesses) of parenting, and they tended to mesh pretty well. Sure we disagreed about things but we also brought the other a different perspective as well as support. I guess I am still getting used to that different dynamic as a parent.
I have my children with me half of the time, a week with and a week without. Sometimes by the end of my week with them (just finished in case you were wondering as far as the timing of this post...) frustration has risen and perspective is hard to come by. And then there is the week without them, which gives me time, perspective, and a refill on the patience tank.
Much like my personal search for happiness and meaning in life (beyond my kids) I am searching for answers as a parent and trying to be a better Dad. In some ways I feel like I have found some answers and have become a better Dad (being more understanding, accepting and a better listener) but in other ways I am backsliding or still searching ( I feel less patient, more easily frustrated and don't communicate well).
So I tell myself to be patient, hold insanity at bay and keep trying and searching. And I remind myself that I am so lucky to have three fantastic kids who I love more than anything and who occasionally happen to push me and challenge me. Hmmmm....I think I just stumbled on a bit of perspective there. I want to be a better Dad, but my kids are helping me be a better Dad simply by the challenges they present.
While it's surely no answer, that perspective may just help in finding some.
Peace to the Planet...
Monday, September 26, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
The Lecture Circuit
It happens gradually. When you become a parent, slowly, it becomes apparent (couldn't resist) how much like your own parents you begin to sound.
I find myself lecturing my kids more and more lately, even recycling some old bits that my folks used to lay on me. What is most frustrating is that I seem to be recycling my own lectures more and more, repeating the same concepts over and over (and over). This is where the similarity between myself and my parents ends (as far as lecturing). Either I was more scared of my parents and there consequences than my kids are of me, I was a better listener than my kids (possible but doubtful), or I simply don't remember droning, repeated lecture after same lecture (highly possible, I have a gift for blocking things from my memory, intentional or otherwise).
When I am aware of lecturing, repeated or otherwise, I try to rectify it by being a verbal boxer, if you will, getting in and out with quick jabs, making my point and letting it go. But this never seems to work and I resort to lengthy lectures ( a barrage of haymakers?) It is just as ineffective though.
Some have said my expectations are too high and I'm too demanding. Well I certainly wouldn't lecture as much if this wasn't at least true in part. While I don't expect perfection of my kids I do want the best for them and I do expect that they will try to maximize their true potential.
And is it expecting too much that after a 25 minute shower a twelve year old emerges, you know....clean? I was lamenting this incident recently with my Mom and she asked if he was actually in the shower (he was). By inference she was subtly reminding me of an incident of my own, when I was about the same age, when I was supposed to be showering, but was discovered merely running the shower while I stood enjoying the steam in the bathroom. Busted.
So, call it karma, what goes around comes around etc., whatever. Meanwhile I'm just trying to get off the lecture circuit.
Peace to the Planet...
I find myself lecturing my kids more and more lately, even recycling some old bits that my folks used to lay on me. What is most frustrating is that I seem to be recycling my own lectures more and more, repeating the same concepts over and over (and over). This is where the similarity between myself and my parents ends (as far as lecturing). Either I was more scared of my parents and there consequences than my kids are of me, I was a better listener than my kids (possible but doubtful), or I simply don't remember droning, repeated lecture after same lecture (highly possible, I have a gift for blocking things from my memory, intentional or otherwise).
When I am aware of lecturing, repeated or otherwise, I try to rectify it by being a verbal boxer, if you will, getting in and out with quick jabs, making my point and letting it go. But this never seems to work and I resort to lengthy lectures ( a barrage of haymakers?) It is just as ineffective though.
Some have said my expectations are too high and I'm too demanding. Well I certainly wouldn't lecture as much if this wasn't at least true in part. While I don't expect perfection of my kids I do want the best for them and I do expect that they will try to maximize their true potential.
And is it expecting too much that after a 25 minute shower a twelve year old emerges, you know....clean? I was lamenting this incident recently with my Mom and she asked if he was actually in the shower (he was). By inference she was subtly reminding me of an incident of my own, when I was about the same age, when I was supposed to be showering, but was discovered merely running the shower while I stood enjoying the steam in the bathroom. Busted.
So, call it karma, what goes around comes around etc., whatever. Meanwhile I'm just trying to get off the lecture circuit.
Peace to the Planet...
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Continuously resounding in silence on the background of everything that exists
"It is not just a sound or vibration. It is not just a symbol. It is the entire cosmos,
whatever we can see, touch, hear and feel. Moreover, it is all that is within our
perception and all that is beyond our perception. It is the core of our very
existence. If you think of it only as a sound, a technique or a symbol of the Divine,
you will miss it altogether. ..... It is the mysterious cosmic energy that is the
substratum of all the things and all the beings of the entire universe. It is an
eternal song of the Divine. It is continuously resounding in silence on the
background of everything that exists." 1
"It" sounds pretty cool doesn't it? I especially like the last sentence; "It is continuously resounding in silence on the background of everything that exists." Wow. That is some powerful it.
What is it?
Om.
These are two of the many symbols representing Om (or Aum), and upon a little wiki-research (take it for what it's worth) it seems to have many meanings as well. I just found the above passage to be beautiful in language and meaning, and while I don't know if I believe it all, it's kinda cool just to ponder it. Om.
Peace to the Planet....
1-Amit Ray, from Om Chanting and Meditation
whatever we can see, touch, hear and feel. Moreover, it is all that is within our
perception and all that is beyond our perception. It is the core of our very
existence. If you think of it only as a sound, a technique or a symbol of the Divine,
you will miss it altogether. ..... It is the mysterious cosmic energy that is the
substratum of all the things and all the beings of the entire universe. It is an
eternal song of the Divine. It is continuously resounding in silence on the
background of everything that exists." 1
"It" sounds pretty cool doesn't it? I especially like the last sentence; "It is continuously resounding in silence on the background of everything that exists." Wow. That is some powerful it.
What is it?
Om.
Peace to the Planet....
1-Amit Ray, from Om Chanting and Meditation
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Movin' on
As much as I wish I never had to see the ex again, we are unfortunately linked for life by virtue of our children ( the lifelong link being unfortunate, not the children). So like it or not we will be co-parenting through the high school and college years, and even after that we will be sharing our childrens' marriages and grandchildren. When I first started to realize this, it was a bit daunting. I am more of a clean break, all or none, and out of sight out of mind type of person. None of which would describe my current and future relationship with my ex.
But I must be moving on a bit (time, acceptance, perspective etc.) because not only does our continued interaction not bother me, but other stuff big and small doesn't quite throw me into a tailspin the way it might have a year ago or even six months ago.
Two examples.
First is the recent passing of our anniversary, which I totally forgot about until late in the day when someone asked me the date and I had to think about it. And I never forgot our anniversary when we were together. We always celebrated in some way at least a nice dinner out, and some of the more notable ones marked with a return to our wedding location for a romantic weekend or a diamond ring. It was a big deal to me and to us.
Last year I was pretty disturbed when our anniversary rolled around and it was made worse when Hex was in town with the ex. So I was somewhat happy with and for myself this year when it was I was completely unaffected by it. ( big pat on the back for me, yayyy!)
The second and more notable event that let me know I had moved on a bit more was the recent news that the ex and Hex are going to get married. While I was caught off guard at the news I was hardly surprised (planned for next year I wouldn't be surprised if they are already hitched and next year is just for show/family).
It was actually kind of funny. She had just returned from Hex's Texas and was picking up our youngest son.
"I've got something to tell you" she told me solemnly. I thought someone had died. My immediate response? "Wow!" and then a few awkward chuckles. I asked how they were going to handle it (as far as logistics, moving etc) and she told me that she couldn't move. Yes you can, I told her. Not unless I had change my mind about custody of the kids, she said. Uh. no. So they would continue their long distance relationship indefinitely. Once again I will note that it would have been nice if she had put as much effort into our relationship of nineteen years (or at least the crisis at the end) as she must need to maintain this relationship and soon to be marriage to Hex.
I will admit that for the rest of that evening I may have been in a bit of shock., but it was short lived and certainly not the quagmire of bitterness and angst that I might have experienced even a short while ago.
Not totally unrelated, I have actually had a few dates over the summer and that has helped in the moving on process as well. Where will it go from here? Who knows? But even though I'm simply looking for companionship and friendship ( with or without benefits) and not a full blown relationship, this is another sure sign that I am now a little further along the road in this whole recovery process than even I had realized.
Peace to the Planet....
But I must be moving on a bit (time, acceptance, perspective etc.) because not only does our continued interaction not bother me, but other stuff big and small doesn't quite throw me into a tailspin the way it might have a year ago or even six months ago.
Two examples.
First is the recent passing of our anniversary, which I totally forgot about until late in the day when someone asked me the date and I had to think about it. And I never forgot our anniversary when we were together. We always celebrated in some way at least a nice dinner out, and some of the more notable ones marked with a return to our wedding location for a romantic weekend or a diamond ring. It was a big deal to me and to us.
Last year I was pretty disturbed when our anniversary rolled around and it was made worse when Hex was in town with the ex. So I was somewhat happy with and for myself this year when it was I was completely unaffected by it. ( big pat on the back for me, yayyy!)
The second and more notable event that let me know I had moved on a bit more was the recent news that the ex and Hex are going to get married. While I was caught off guard at the news I was hardly surprised (planned for next year I wouldn't be surprised if they are already hitched and next year is just for show/family).
It was actually kind of funny. She had just returned from Hex's Texas and was picking up our youngest son.
"I've got something to tell you" she told me solemnly. I thought someone had died. My immediate response? "Wow!" and then a few awkward chuckles. I asked how they were going to handle it (as far as logistics, moving etc) and she told me that she couldn't move. Yes you can, I told her. Not unless I had change my mind about custody of the kids, she said. Uh. no. So they would continue their long distance relationship indefinitely. Once again I will note that it would have been nice if she had put as much effort into our relationship of nineteen years (or at least the crisis at the end) as she must need to maintain this relationship and soon to be marriage to Hex.
I will admit that for the rest of that evening I may have been in a bit of shock., but it was short lived and certainly not the quagmire of bitterness and angst that I might have experienced even a short while ago.
Not totally unrelated, I have actually had a few dates over the summer and that has helped in the moving on process as well. Where will it go from here? Who knows? But even though I'm simply looking for companionship and friendship ( with or without benefits) and not a full blown relationship, this is another sure sign that I am now a little further along the road in this whole recovery process than even I had realized.
Peace to the Planet....
Friday, September 2, 2011
The beauty of Nature
If you look for it, there is beauty in almost every thing, and every situation. It's just that sometimes you have to look harder than others.
-TG
I have long appreciated the beauty of nature. Through learning, introspection, and greater awareness in general, my sense of nature's beauty has been heightened of late.
Amid the recent flooding of my neighborhood, my town, and my state I found myself able to see the beauty manifested in the raw power of flowing water. Nature's beauty allowed me a moment's rest from the stress of the day; wondering if the raging water outside my home would soon be in my home, and wondering whether and when to evacuate myself and my kids to a safer spot.
In the days since the flood waters receded, I have come to appreciate the beauty of nature even more. Human nature.
Friends, neighbors, community, the human family all coming together to help each other and give whatever we can. Sharing a home, a pump, a generator, a sandwich or whatever is needed. Maybe even a kind word, a smile or a hug. It's a beautiful thing.
Human nature is a fickle thing and often gets a bad rap, but there is nothing like a tough situation to bring people together, usually showing the better side of human nature.
I was reminded of the duality of our human species' behavior today, witnessing both extremes within minutes of each other. I had been working with a sales rep in my store when a woman and two children looked around for a few minutes, made a purchase, and left. Upon their exit, a man (the husband/dad?) yelled "ASSHOLES! Thanks for making me wait!" he hurried them into the car, slamming doors, and sped off. The sales rep and I were taken aback (as was a neighboring store owner who came in remarking "can you believe that guy?") We were all thinking the same thing; if he treats her and the kids this way in public....
Minutes later, still stunned that one person could treat another this way, another woman came in and shopped around, gathered a few things and made a purchase, noting that she was headed home from a week long vacation and wanted to spend as much as she could in our flood ravaged state before she left. Preparing to leave she turned and gave the sales rep a spontaneous hug then looked at me behind the counter and said she'd give me one too, but didn't want to make my wife or girlfriend jealous (which was a good natured jab at herself). Then she says "Aww what the heck!" and leaned well over the counter, arms out, offering a hearty hug for me as well. Wishing us both a good day, she left us with a smile. The rep and I looked at each other with silly grins of our own, and we noted that even though the world had lots of jerks like the first guy, there are still plenty of kind, generous, thoughtful and loving people in the world as well.
So here's to the finer side of human nature. It is still out there, everywhere, from the ordinary moments to the extraordinary.
Peace to the Planet...
-TG
I have long appreciated the beauty of nature. Through learning, introspection, and greater awareness in general, my sense of nature's beauty has been heightened of late.
Amid the recent flooding of my neighborhood, my town, and my state I found myself able to see the beauty manifested in the raw power of flowing water. Nature's beauty allowed me a moment's rest from the stress of the day; wondering if the raging water outside my home would soon be in my home, and wondering whether and when to evacuate myself and my kids to a safer spot.
In the days since the flood waters receded, I have come to appreciate the beauty of nature even more. Human nature.
Friends, neighbors, community, the human family all coming together to help each other and give whatever we can. Sharing a home, a pump, a generator, a sandwich or whatever is needed. Maybe even a kind word, a smile or a hug. It's a beautiful thing.
Human nature is a fickle thing and often gets a bad rap, but there is nothing like a tough situation to bring people together, usually showing the better side of human nature.
I was reminded of the duality of our human species' behavior today, witnessing both extremes within minutes of each other. I had been working with a sales rep in my store when a woman and two children looked around for a few minutes, made a purchase, and left. Upon their exit, a man (the husband/dad?) yelled "ASSHOLES! Thanks for making me wait!" he hurried them into the car, slamming doors, and sped off. The sales rep and I were taken aback (as was a neighboring store owner who came in remarking "can you believe that guy?") We were all thinking the same thing; if he treats her and the kids this way in public....
Minutes later, still stunned that one person could treat another this way, another woman came in and shopped around, gathered a few things and made a purchase, noting that she was headed home from a week long vacation and wanted to spend as much as she could in our flood ravaged state before she left. Preparing to leave she turned and gave the sales rep a spontaneous hug then looked at me behind the counter and said she'd give me one too, but didn't want to make my wife or girlfriend jealous (which was a good natured jab at herself). Then she says "Aww what the heck!" and leaned well over the counter, arms out, offering a hearty hug for me as well. Wishing us both a good day, she left us with a smile. The rep and I looked at each other with silly grins of our own, and we noted that even though the world had lots of jerks like the first guy, there are still plenty of kind, generous, thoughtful and loving people in the world as well.
So here's to the finer side of human nature. It is still out there, everywhere, from the ordinary moments to the extraordinary.
Peace to the Planet...
Friday, August 26, 2011
It's a long way to the top...
...if you want to rock and ro-o-oll.
Got this snappy little ditty by AC/DC firmly stuck in my head thanks to Jack Black and the movie "School of Rock".
Love the movie. Fun and funny. Jack Black is pretty talented in a number of ways-comedy, acting, vocals, not to mention he could do a comedy bit using nothing more than facial expressions and it would leave you laughing. The unoriginal storyline of the lovable loser who makes earnest but big mistakes, gets busted, then finds love, redemption or acceptance in the end woulnd't have been sucessful without the talents of Jack Black and his ten year old band mates.
Yes, he was their "teacher" but they tought him too.
See, now it's been a while since I've covered any of the stupid stuff category here in the blog, which this movie definitely is, but it also touches a bit on life as well. No love though. Unless you consider Joan Cusack's principal charactor getting hit on backstage by a barechested (other than the tattoo), leather clad rocker/poser.
I think I just did a movie review...wtf?
Got this snappy little ditty by AC/DC firmly stuck in my head thanks to Jack Black and the movie "School of Rock".
Love the movie. Fun and funny. Jack Black is pretty talented in a number of ways-comedy, acting, vocals, not to mention he could do a comedy bit using nothing more than facial expressions and it would leave you laughing. The unoriginal storyline of the lovable loser who makes earnest but big mistakes, gets busted, then finds love, redemption or acceptance in the end woulnd't have been sucessful without the talents of Jack Black and his ten year old band mates.
Yes, he was their "teacher" but they tought him too.
See, now it's been a while since I've covered any of the stupid stuff category here in the blog, which this movie definitely is, but it also touches a bit on life as well. No love though. Unless you consider Joan Cusack's principal charactor getting hit on backstage by a barechested (other than the tattoo), leather clad rocker/poser.
I think I just did a movie review...wtf?
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Miles to go
Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives hisharness bells a shake
To ask if there's some mistake.
The only other sound's thesweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
robert frost
genius in so many ways, the simple repeating rhythms, the clever linking of rhymes from the third line of each stanza into the first, second and fourth lines of the following stanza, and then there is the eerie appreciation of the dark beauty found in nature and in life. The dreamlike perspective that views the dark depths as lovely, linked with the reality of obligations and life's long journey.
miles to go...
Peace to the Planet...
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his
To ask if there's some mistake.
The only other sound's the
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
robert frost
genius in so many ways, the simple repeating rhythms, the clever linking of rhymes from the third line of each stanza into the first, second and fourth lines of the following stanza, and then there is the eerie appreciation of the dark beauty found in nature and in life. The dreamlike perspective that views the dark depths as lovely, linked with the reality of obligations and life's long journey.
miles to go...
Peace to the Planet...
Friday, August 5, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Wow!
File this one under "Things I never thought I'd hear my daughter say"....
Wow! that's a big Dick's!
Thankfully she was referring to the sporting goods store and not the male anatomy, caught me a little of guard but I had to laugh...
Wow! that's a big Dick's!
Thankfully she was referring to the sporting goods store and not the male anatomy, caught me a little of guard but I had to laugh...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The price of whine
Parents, myself occasionally included, are pushovers. Especially when our kids whine in public. It is often easier, and keeps everyone, parents, child, and siblings, happier when we just give in. That's the price of whine.
This point was driven home in my store today when a Mom and her two kids were shopping and after a while they each made their selections. Mom signed the credit card slip, and all was good. Until...the daughter discovered another item she wanted and that her brother had gotten two items while she had only gotten one...so far. Cue the whining, accompanied by waterworks. Mom started getting a little frustrated and grumpy so I tried to help, offering to the little one that the other stores they were headed to were sure to have something she'd like and if not maybe then her Mom would bring her back. It worked too. Momentarily. The whining stopped and they even made it out the door. But soon I could hear the whining resume from out on the sidewalk. A minute later they were back, and made a purchase that evened the sibling scale out and all three left the store practically skipping out the door, smiles all around. "Have a great day!" they waved.
So I am only being slightly sarcastic when I note that maybe, just maybe, Money can buy happiness. Shit, in this case it cost only $4.24.
What a bargain.
Peace to the Planet...
This point was driven home in my store today when a Mom and her two kids were shopping and after a while they each made their selections. Mom signed the credit card slip, and all was good. Until...the daughter discovered another item she wanted and that her brother had gotten two items while she had only gotten one...so far. Cue the whining, accompanied by waterworks. Mom started getting a little frustrated and grumpy so I tried to help, offering to the little one that the other stores they were headed to were sure to have something she'd like and if not maybe then her Mom would bring her back. It worked too. Momentarily. The whining stopped and they even made it out the door. But soon I could hear the whining resume from out on the sidewalk. A minute later they were back, and made a purchase that evened the sibling scale out and all three left the store practically skipping out the door, smiles all around. "Have a great day!" they waved.
So I am only being slightly sarcastic when I note that maybe, just maybe, Money can buy happiness. Shit, in this case it cost only $4.24.
What a bargain.
Peace to the Planet...
Monday, July 4, 2011
Five stages of Mourning, three stages of Jealousy...
...and a partridge in a pear tree.
Divorce can be like experiencing a death in the family, I had been warned. I have found this to be very true in my case. In fact for a while I thought it was the death of my family, and it was. But it was the death of my family that included my ex. After going through most of the five stages-depression, anger, bargaining, and denial, the last stage, acceptance, allowed me to realize that although I had lost my family unit as previously constituted, I still had a family. It's just a new family. Thank god for my children, because even though the worst part of the divorce for me was that they were innocent bystanders, they have been the best part of my life and have helped to get me through. I wish I was half as adaptable as they are.
So, like I said, I experienced the five stages of grief both for my marriage, and for my family as formerly constituted. Under the deceitful circumstances of the end of my marriage, I have also experienced several stages of jealousy as well.
The first stage of jealousy is the straightforward kind, I was jealous of him. What's she doing with him? What's he got that I don't? That should be me with her. etc. The next stage surprised me, but only a little. I was jealous of him being with my kids. First he's taken my place with her, now he's taking my place with them too? With some help and acceptance I came to realize that he may be spending time with my kids (still not easy) but he's never going to take my place. I am their Dad. I always will be. Nothing will ever change that.
There has been one aspect of both loss and jealousy that I was quite surprised to experience, and that is the loss of the relationship (and ensuing jealousy of his new relationship) with my former in-laws (ex-laws?).
I never came to call them Mom or Dad (too weird for me, I had a Mom and Dad), but they were very accepting of me and my relationship with the ex, they supported our choices, and in general we had a good healthy relationship. I also had a good relationship with the ex's sister and extended family as well, and got to know many of them quite well over our nineteen years together. In fact I got call from the ex's folks this past Father's Day wishing me well and thanking me for being a good Dad to their grandchildren. Thankfully they continued to support me right through the end of our marriage (and beyond), and while they are still a small part of my life simply be extension of my kids, it's obviously not the same. I miss having that relationship with them.
I am now beyond the acceptance stage in this particular mourning but it was brought to light a few months back. It was Passover and Hex was going to be spending it with two of my three kids, the ex and ex-laws. I was a little surprised when it bothered me just as much that he was going to be with the ex and kids as the fact that he was now taking my place with my ex-laws too. I found myself hoping that they hated him. I was jealous.
I don't like feeling jealous-who does? But working through all the stages and feelings and finally coming to the point of acceptance makes things easier. Not easy, easier. In fact my kids are on vacation with the ex and Hex (and his kids I think) right now, at my former sister in-law's house in Tahoe and I'm hardly jealous at all of that no good, scumbag motherfucker. OK so maybe I've got a little further to go on that part of the acceptance stage.
A related side note on...
Acceptance. On our penultimate anniversary I was about to move out of my home to give her the "space" she needed. It was a trial separation and it was the last thing I wanted to do but also the last thing I felt I could do to save our marriage. So we weren't exactly celebrating (although I still had a faint bit of hope) but we noted the occasion with some time alone, together. I honestly don't recall if I gave her anything other than a card, but I do recall what she gave me. It was a little glass "stone" or flat marble, and on it was printed the word, acceptance. At the time I was a bit miffed. Not because this was such a literal "token gift" but because it felt like she was telling me to "just get over it". Well even when you know what you need to do, doing it is different than knowing it. Being told by someone else, anyone else, what you know you need to do makes it even worse. I often thought of smashing that piece of glass into dust with a hammer, but I didn't. I actually carried it in my pocket for quite a while and I still have it, although the word has worn off.
It has taken me a while but I have finally received her gift of "Acceptance", but to be truthful it is a gift I have given myself.
Sometimes it comes easier than others but acceptance, for me, is kind of the turning point between the end of the healing process and the beginning of moving forward. It is also a fluid thing, I may be more accepting of a situation today and less tomorrow. It's a process, as they say.
Here's to acceptance...
Peace and Acceptance to the Planet...
Divorce can be like experiencing a death in the family, I had been warned. I have found this to be very true in my case. In fact for a while I thought it was the death of my family, and it was. But it was the death of my family that included my ex. After going through most of the five stages-depression, anger, bargaining, and denial, the last stage, acceptance, allowed me to realize that although I had lost my family unit as previously constituted, I still had a family. It's just a new family. Thank god for my children, because even though the worst part of the divorce for me was that they were innocent bystanders, they have been the best part of my life and have helped to get me through. I wish I was half as adaptable as they are.
So, like I said, I experienced the five stages of grief both for my marriage, and for my family as formerly constituted. Under the deceitful circumstances of the end of my marriage, I have also experienced several stages of jealousy as well.
The first stage of jealousy is the straightforward kind, I was jealous of him. What's she doing with him? What's he got that I don't? That should be me with her. etc. The next stage surprised me, but only a little. I was jealous of him being with my kids. First he's taken my place with her, now he's taking my place with them too? With some help and acceptance I came to realize that he may be spending time with my kids (still not easy) but he's never going to take my place. I am their Dad. I always will be. Nothing will ever change that.
There has been one aspect of both loss and jealousy that I was quite surprised to experience, and that is the loss of the relationship (and ensuing jealousy of his new relationship) with my former in-laws (ex-laws?).
I never came to call them Mom or Dad (too weird for me, I had a Mom and Dad), but they were very accepting of me and my relationship with the ex, they supported our choices, and in general we had a good healthy relationship. I also had a good relationship with the ex's sister and extended family as well, and got to know many of them quite well over our nineteen years together. In fact I got call from the ex's folks this past Father's Day wishing me well and thanking me for being a good Dad to their grandchildren. Thankfully they continued to support me right through the end of our marriage (and beyond), and while they are still a small part of my life simply be extension of my kids, it's obviously not the same. I miss having that relationship with them.
I am now beyond the acceptance stage in this particular mourning but it was brought to light a few months back. It was Passover and Hex was going to be spending it with two of my three kids, the ex and ex-laws. I was a little surprised when it bothered me just as much that he was going to be with the ex and kids as the fact that he was now taking my place with my ex-laws too. I found myself hoping that they hated him. I was jealous.
I don't like feeling jealous-who does? But working through all the stages and feelings and finally coming to the point of acceptance makes things easier. Not easy, easier. In fact my kids are on vacation with the ex and Hex (and his kids I think) right now, at my former sister in-law's house in Tahoe and I'm hardly jealous at all of that no good, scumbag motherfucker. OK so maybe I've got a little further to go on that part of the acceptance stage.
A related side note on...
Acceptance. On our penultimate anniversary I was about to move out of my home to give her the "space" she needed. It was a trial separation and it was the last thing I wanted to do but also the last thing I felt I could do to save our marriage. So we weren't exactly celebrating (although I still had a faint bit of hope) but we noted the occasion with some time alone, together. I honestly don't recall if I gave her anything other than a card, but I do recall what she gave me. It was a little glass "stone" or flat marble, and on it was printed the word, acceptance. At the time I was a bit miffed. Not because this was such a literal "token gift" but because it felt like she was telling me to "just get over it". Well even when you know what you need to do, doing it is different than knowing it. Being told by someone else, anyone else, what you know you need to do makes it even worse. I often thought of smashing that piece of glass into dust with a hammer, but I didn't. I actually carried it in my pocket for quite a while and I still have it, although the word has worn off.
It has taken me a while but I have finally received her gift of "Acceptance", but to be truthful it is a gift I have given myself.
Sometimes it comes easier than others but acceptance, for me, is kind of the turning point between the end of the healing process and the beginning of moving forward. It is also a fluid thing, I may be more accepting of a situation today and less tomorrow. It's a process, as they say.
Here's to acceptance...
Peace and Acceptance to the Planet...
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Some people...
One of my lesser qualities, one that I am working hard to address, is being a bit judge-mental (emphasis on judge, more emphasis on mental). But let's just say that there is a certain type of person that bothers me. A lot.
I am speaking of the type of person that feels that just because they can do something (or more specifically that they can get away with doing something), they will go ahead and do it. And I'm not talking about a fat guy wearing a speedo or an insecure woman getting too much cosmetic surgery. Granted they are both cases of bad judgement but they don't really affect other people (other than catching a glimpse of the "bad judgement" and at least at that point one can avert their eyes {but then again, sometimes it does have that car wreck quality where you find yourself staring in disbelief}). But I digress. What I am talking about is stuff that does affect other people. Directly. Stuff like working the system for unemployment/welfare/medicaid, or shoplifting, or even parking in a fire lane or handicapped spot. Some people seem to feel like these are victimless acts like jay walking or smoking pot. Most people know better.
Is it a sense of entitlement, feeling they are above the law/rules, or just a general sense of superiority?
Where I live, it often seems like all of the above.
Or maybe it's just a brain fart, kinda silent but deadly, and it still stinks.
So is it OK to be a little judgemental? Especially when, like in this case, it's not about judging between better (me) and worse (them) but about right (me) and wrong (them). Maybe that's just semantics. But who's to judge?
Peace to the WHOLE Planet...
I am speaking of the type of person that feels that just because they can do something (or more specifically that they can get away with doing something), they will go ahead and do it. And I'm not talking about a fat guy wearing a speedo or an insecure woman getting too much cosmetic surgery. Granted they are both cases of bad judgement but they don't really affect other people (other than catching a glimpse of the "bad judgement" and at least at that point one can avert their eyes {but then again, sometimes it does have that car wreck quality where you find yourself staring in disbelief}). But I digress. What I am talking about is stuff that does affect other people. Directly. Stuff like working the system for unemployment/welfare/medicaid, or shoplifting, or even parking in a fire lane or handicapped spot. Some people seem to feel like these are victimless acts like jay walking or smoking pot. Most people know better.
Maybe people that bend or break the rules and scam the system to obtain social assistance of any kind feel entitled or that no one will be hurt by them taking their little slice of the pie. The regulations are there for a reason, so their entitlement is misplaced. And clearly if they weren't taking "their little slice" there would be more pie for those who truly need/deserve it. Then, if you multiply by the number of people scamming the systems it is no longer a little slice, but now a big slice of a pie that otherwise wouldn't need to be so big. In other words the rest of us may not have to pay in quite so much because we wouldn't be feeding scammers.
Maybe people that shoplift feel entitled to steal thinking "This company is so big and wealthy they won't miss it, plus they've been getting rich on people like me", or "If this store is so lame they can't catch me they deserve to get ripped off.", or "Who is this really going to hurt?". For large companies it hurts plenty of people: stockholders who are not necessarily rich don't get their due profits or dividends, employees who may miss bonuses, promotions or worse... get fired, and even the wealthy upper management-these people who have worked hard deserve their fair share even if they are already well off. And for a small operator it is even more keenly felt. I own a store and when someone steals from me obviously it affects my profits, my income, and by extension my family. I have given serious consideration to putting up signs stating that if you steal from me you are stealing from my children, haven't yet but it is true. Trust me, I notice when something is missing, and it does hurt. Not just my bottom line either, I have a definite sense of being violated when someone has stolen from me. And big or small, it is difficult to completely eliminate theft so a store must include "shrinkage" into the budget, meaning that in the end, just like with social assistance, we all end up paying a bit more in the form of higher prices.
The parking example may seem harmless and inconsequential, but it's not (plus it is admittedly a huge pet peeve). Whether in the handicapped spot or in the Fire Lane, rarely is the car there for the "quick" moment or two imagined by the transgressor. To be honest, has a building ever burned to the ground because there was a car parked in the Fire Lane? Probably not. And I am sure it is quite rare that a handicapped person or their driver was unable to park because an able person took their spot. But this comes down to common decency-"my convenience is more important than your inconvenience". It is inconvenient for a person to have to circle a lot until a designated spot opens. And it is inconvenient and unsafe when people have to hop curbs, squeeze between bushes, snowbanks etc. or have to navigate around parked vehicles in what is typically a busy area like a fire lane.
Is it a sense of entitlement, feeling they are above the law/rules, or just a general sense of superiority?
Where I live, it often seems like all of the above.
Or maybe it's just a brain fart, kinda silent but deadly, and it still stinks.
So is it OK to be a little judgemental? Especially when, like in this case, it's not about judging between better (me) and worse (them) but about right (me) and wrong (them). Maybe that's just semantics. But who's to judge?
Peace to the WHOLE Planet...
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Peace
Peace comes from within
-Buddha
Peace has always held a pretty high place of importance for me .
Maybe it started as a kid in church. No longer particularly religious, I was raised in a strict Catholic household, so weekly Sunday Mass was a must (along with catechism). As a squirmy kid with energy, one of the highlights of mass was when you got to shake hands and offer a greeting of "Peace" or "Peace be with you" to anyone nearby. It was one of the few informal, genuine and non-scripted moments (stand up, sit down, kneel, mumble prayer, repeat) so other than some of the songs and, of course, the end of mass, Peace was the best part. (some feel that communion is the best, but I was never that crazy about the whole "body and blood of Christ" thing)
As a young adult, letting my freak flag fly, I was more of a general "Peace, dude" kind of guy. Especially having come of age in Reagan's Cold War 80's (You can't hug Children with Nuclear Arms-bumper sticker sported on my very own VW bus) and being a draft eligible man as the Gulf War broke out made me more of a "Peace, Not War" kind of guy. Still am.
Now being certifiably middle aged (OK, slightly past middle age) the peace I want most, the peace I search for, the peace I need, is inner peace. With time, reflection, work and meditation I am starting to find it. Mostly, I have found it within me. Turns out Buddha was right (about many things). Smart guy, that Buddha.
Peace to the Planet, and Peace be with You...
-Buddha
Peace has always held a pretty high place of importance for me .
Maybe it started as a kid in church. No longer particularly religious, I was raised in a strict Catholic household, so weekly Sunday Mass was a must (along with catechism). As a squirmy kid with energy, one of the highlights of mass was when you got to shake hands and offer a greeting of "Peace" or "Peace be with you" to anyone nearby. It was one of the few informal, genuine and non-scripted moments (stand up, sit down, kneel, mumble prayer, repeat) so other than some of the songs and, of course, the end of mass, Peace was the best part. (some feel that communion is the best, but I was never that crazy about the whole "body and blood of Christ" thing)
As a young adult, letting my freak flag fly, I was more of a general "Peace, dude" kind of guy. Especially having come of age in Reagan's Cold War 80's (You can't hug Children with Nuclear Arms-bumper sticker sported on my very own VW bus) and being a draft eligible man as the Gulf War broke out made me more of a "Peace, Not War" kind of guy. Still am.
Now being certifiably middle aged (OK, slightly past middle age) the peace I want most, the peace I search for, the peace I need, is inner peace. With time, reflection, work and meditation I am starting to find it. Mostly, I have found it within me. Turns out Buddha was right (about many things). Smart guy, that Buddha.
Peace to the Planet, and Peace be with You...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Trying too hard/trying to make sense
Had a great time in DC a while back, chaperoning a group of middle schoolers, including my daughter, on a trip to our nation's capitol. We packed a lot into three full days-several Smithsonian museums (musea?) Arlington National Cemetery, most of the memorials and monuments, the Capitol building, the White House, National Zoo, National Archives, and more.
So much to see and do, but what I liked best was lunch with my daughter the first day there. Not the food itself-an overpriced burger and a bag of chips-but the fact that she chose to sit with me (though at the suggestion of her friend). For the rest of the trip both before and after, she pretty much avoided me. Silly me for thinking we might have some fun, you know...together. After we got home I pressed her a bit about it and she admitted that she probably would have had a better time had I not come along. Bruised ego aside (again) I understood. It wasn't that I was embarassing her, it was more that I was simply cramping her style, with her kind of looking over her shoulder for her Dad on what would have otherwise been a carefree school trip with her friends.
File this one under trying a little too hard maybe. When I really stopped to think about it, I couldn't blame her for feeling the way she did and I was glad she was at least honest with me about it.
I still had a great time-it just wasn't exactly what I had hoped it would be as far as sharing it with my daughter-although I do hope that in the future, having gained perspective with time passing, that she will eventually be glad that I went on the trip.
Peace to the Planet...
So much to see and do, but what I liked best was lunch with my daughter the first day there. Not the food itself-an overpriced burger and a bag of chips-but the fact that she chose to sit with me (though at the suggestion of her friend). For the rest of the trip both before and after, she pretty much avoided me. Silly me for thinking we might have some fun, you know...together. After we got home I pressed her a bit about it and she admitted that she probably would have had a better time had I not come along. Bruised ego aside (again) I understood. It wasn't that I was embarassing her, it was more that I was simply cramping her style, with her kind of looking over her shoulder for her Dad on what would have otherwise been a carefree school trip with her friends.
File this one under trying a little too hard maybe. When I really stopped to think about it, I couldn't blame her for feeling the way she did and I was glad she was at least honest with me about it.
I still had a great time-it just wasn't exactly what I had hoped it would be as far as sharing it with my daughter-although I do hope that in the future, having gained perspective with time passing, that she will eventually be glad that I went on the trip.
Peace to the Planet...
Summer's memories
The first day of Summer. The last day of school. It's days like this that make me want to be a kid again, with a summer full of adventure and carefree days ahead. Hot sunny days, long cool evenings, and a little thunder and lightning to liven things up.
For me summer was primarily spent at the town pool, the town's social center back then. Other than an occasional weekend (or the annual week long) at my Grandparents house at the Maine shore, I was either at the pool, at a neighborhood friend's house, or riding my bike somewhere in between. (no camp or grand vacations for me and my seven siblings) Simple times. Good times.
There was nothing like those summers when I was 9-12. Old enough to be independent (back then) and too young to have a job, girlfriend, a car or a care. If you didn't find any change in the deep end of the pool, you could round up five bottles or cans and the 25 cents would get you a candy bar or a soda. Life was good.
Summertime and the livin was easy....
Looking back I remember being anxious to grow up and experience all life had to offer. But looking back also makes me realize that in many ways (not all) that was a nearly perfect age and time, not exactly all downhill from there but, in so many ways it was a pinnacle of sorts. (Coincidentally {or is it ironically}the rec area where the town pool was located was known as "The Pinnacle" {on Lover's Lane no less}).
How does that quote go?-if only I knew then what I know now...no, even better the line from the Bob Dylan/Byrds song-My Back Pages--I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now.
Just looked up some of the #1 hits of 1977 and had a few laughs....some definite classics like Rod Stewart's "Tonight's the Night" (didn't know for the longest time what it was the night for...) and the Eagles' "Hotel California" but then there's Shaun Cassidy's "DaDooRonRon", David Soul's "Don't Give up on Us" and a couple of Andy Gibb's bubblegum classics. A crazy musical era that was punctuated by disco (ABBA and the Bee Gees), country rock (Eagles, Glen Campbell), funk (KC and the Sunshine Band and Rose Royce) Soul/R+B (Marvin Gaye and Stevie Wonder), crap (Mary McGregor and Debbi Boone) and utter crap (Barry Manilow, Cassidy and Gibb). Thankfully there were a few nuggets that still stand the test of time.
Here's the link for all the #1 hits of 1977 so you can look, laugh and reminisce for yourself...
Peace to the Planet....
For me summer was primarily spent at the town pool, the town's social center back then. Other than an occasional weekend (or the annual week long) at my Grandparents house at the Maine shore, I was either at the pool, at a neighborhood friend's house, or riding my bike somewhere in between. (no camp or grand vacations for me and my seven siblings) Simple times. Good times.
There was nothing like those summers when I was 9-12. Old enough to be independent (back then) and too young to have a job, girlfriend, a car or a care. If you didn't find any change in the deep end of the pool, you could round up five bottles or cans and the 25 cents would get you a candy bar or a soda. Life was good.
Summertime and the livin was easy....
Looking back I remember being anxious to grow up and experience all life had to offer. But looking back also makes me realize that in many ways (not all) that was a nearly perfect age and time, not exactly all downhill from there but, in so many ways it was a pinnacle of sorts. (Coincidentally {or is it ironically}the rec area where the town pool was located was known as "The Pinnacle" {on Lover's Lane no less}).
How does that quote go?-if only I knew then what I know now...no, even better the line from the Bob Dylan/Byrds song-My Back Pages--I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now.
Just looked up some of the #1 hits of 1977 and had a few laughs....some definite classics like Rod Stewart's "Tonight's the Night" (didn't know for the longest time what it was the night for...) and the Eagles' "Hotel California" but then there's Shaun Cassidy's "DaDooRonRon", David Soul's "Don't Give up on Us" and a couple of Andy Gibb's bubblegum classics. A crazy musical era that was punctuated by disco (ABBA and the Bee Gees), country rock (Eagles, Glen Campbell), funk (KC and the Sunshine Band and Rose Royce) Soul/R+B (Marvin Gaye and Stevie Wonder), crap (Mary McGregor and Debbi Boone) and utter crap (Barry Manilow, Cassidy and Gibb). Thankfully there were a few nuggets that still stand the test of time.
Here's the link for all the #1 hits of 1977 so you can look, laugh and reminisce for yourself...
Peace to the Planet....
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