What's that smell?

As I was preparing a grapefruit for my younger son this morning, I caught a whiff of something funky.
Me: (sniff sniff) I smell something that reminds me we forgot to get you in the tub last night.
Him: that's just the grapefruit.
Me: no, it's definitely NOT the grapefruit.
Him: Ohhhh, that! that must be Nathan! (older brother)
Me: (speechless, not quite stifling laughter)
Him: well....he just farted a minute ago!


Peace to the planet, with ALL of its smells...

Sunshine. Rainbows. Candy canes. Unicorns. Sometimes I wonder why I bother restraining from self medicating. Fuck. I hate it when I cant even get sarcasm and cynicism across. Sooo...instead, here's a haiku.

The human heart beats
Pain and joy, not far apart
Sun and rain, give life

Howdy Neighbor

I recently moved. After a very long final day of moving into the new and cleaning the old, I returned to my new apartment at about 11pm. With one last car full of refrigerator/freezer stuff and assorted odds and ends unloaded I first gave in to hunger;  no gas to cook with{surprise!}, no grill and no microwave, so...cheese and crackers it is!  Then I gave in to exhaustion, falling asleep on the couch and then retiring to the sparse new bedroom for a solid night's sleep.
  Until..... I awoke at about 6am hearing  a car approaching from the house behind mine (a shared, right of way driveway) and then the car stopped, idling.  Curious, I look out to see an empty space where I believed my car to be (shit!) and my new neighbor stopped in the driveway.  Relief (my car was not stolen) turned to chagrin ( my car was blocking the drive) as I dashed downstairs and outside bleary eyed in my slippers. And then chagrin mixed with embarrassment as I got out and realized that not only had I left the car blocking the drive but I had also left the passenger door open (all night!) on what had been my last trip in the night before with arms loaded.  I close the (very frosty in and out) car door and approach my neighbor introducing myself and apologizing at the same time.  Her response doesn't make sense for either my apology or introduction (reminder, it was 6am and I was bleary minded as well as bleary eyed) so I try again, something like " I am sooo sorry, I just moved in yesterday, I guess it was a long day and....uh.... my name is The Keeper" .  This time there is no reply at all, but I now realize why her initial response puzzled me;  she hadn't been  speaking to me, she was speaking into her two way radio.  Then her silence ends with something like " Ok thanks, I think  he's right here... Still sleepy and puzzled I introduce myself again, hand extended- "Hi, sorry about this, I'm the Keeper heh heh..."   "I know" she says, "I just called in your plate, my name is Detective Cassie Mcleary  with the Vermont State Police."  Ohhh yeah, now I remember hearing that there was a cop living behind me. But no longer driving a cruiser, the recently promoted Detective is driving an unmarked sedan.  This was all slowly falling into place in my still sleepy and reeling brain as she explained  that my vehicle looked a little suspicious and possibly stolen, being left in the middle of a driveway with a door wide open on what happened to be the morning after Halloween.
Nice to meet you neighbor....I mean Officer....I mean Detective....er...eh, ummm,  I'll just be moving my car now, um, sorry...


At least the battery hadn't died.

Peace to the neighbors and the Planet...

Talking on the Phone-How times have changed

I was talking with a friend yesterday (in person) and we were both commenting how neither of us likes talking on the phone much (as those around us talked or fiddled with their phones).  I asked her if she felt the same even in high school when most teenage girls are on the phone as much as possible.  "Are you kidding me?" she replied" we had an egg timer by the phone-only one to three minutes per call !"  And that's when it struck me how quickly phone usage changed in less than one generation.
  Growing up in my small town-you only had to dial five digits for a local call-the last one of the prefix and then the 4 digit remainder.  It seemed like a huge hassle when the change was made and we had to dial, gasp, all seven digits!. And with rotary phones, people lamented having to dial numbers with nines and zeroes.  Our out of state relatives and friends must have hated calling us...802-875-3007-all those 7's, 8's and 0's!  But it did provide my father a level of personal satisfaction when giving out our last four numbers as;  Three, James Bond. Huh? invariably was replied.  "You know, three, double O-Seven" would be his smiling answer.
 A second phone in the house seemed like the ultimate in luxury-especially when some friends and neighbors still had "party lines".  That's party line as a phone term not a political term.  If  I remember correctly, you would dial a friend's "party line" and all of the households' (parties')  phones on that line would ring.  And if the wrong "party" picked up I think they hung up, but the phone could "ring through" until the right party picked up.  Kind of funny when you think that now it seems like everyone in the house has there own phone, even young kids, and back then a single line was shared among separate households!
  And then there were beepers (late 80's early 90"s?).  Do they still exist (outside of the ones you get at busy chain restaurants letting you know when your table is available)?  If you saw someone who wasn't reasonably well dressed with a beeper ( a Doctor) you wouldn't be going out on a limb to suggest that they might be at the other end of the social/professional spectrum ( a dealer).  Actually, come to think of it a friend of mine is an electrician who currently uses a beeper.  Not sure why.  He's got a cell.  Wait-I know!  For some reason beepers (and texting) often work when a cell won't.  But if you get beeped and you can't call to find out what it's about...then what?
  Next were the first generation cell phones-often car phones  hard wired into your car with a sizable antenna on top (though not as big as a CB antenna-remember when those were the rage?  beyond truckers, I mean......they still use them....right?) OR a "portable" version that resembled a large purse or lunch box. Then we "downsized"  to cell phones that were larger than our cordless phones at home!  Much to the embarrassment of our young but still cognizant children.  I think they called them Fred Flintstone phones (Wilmaaaaaa!!!)  They were soooo relieved when we finally got phones that would fit in our pocket.
  Now we have these "cellphones" that are used less and less like phones and more like hand held PC's or, music/video devices, or game platforms.  Except for me.  I think I am one of the few people whose phone is "only" a phone.  I like it like that.  My phone is a phone dammit!
  Crazy I tell ya.   If Spock and Kirk had only known back in '70...  (or whenever they were trekking about with their "communicators"...)

Beam me up indeed.

Peace to the Party Line...

Fall in Love, Fallen Love

Sun shining brightly
Even on a cold, Fall day
Frozen hands, warm hearts...

Love was in the air
That cold, cold October day
Frozen hands, warm hearts

The cold winds of change
Blew that love, like dying leaves
Frozen hands, cold heart

TG-

I love winter, the snow, the cold. the entire landscape sleeping beneath a blanket of snow.  Spring brings rebirth, activity, new flowers and raging rivers.  Summer literally buzzes with life, the contrast of an electric blue sky and verdant green fields and forests.  And then there is Fall.  There is, of course, the colors.  But there is also the crisp morning air with the frost sparkling  in the morning sun.  Or going for a walk in the late afternoon or early evening, a light breeze rustling the fallen leaves and carrying the unmistakable scent of Autumn, the moon rising into the darkening sky.  Yes, there has always been a romantic feeling in the air, for me, when Fall rolls around. And yet there is something bittersweet about the season as well.  There is the color and the romance, but there is also that feeling of the beginning of the end, the cycle of the seasons coming full circle.
  Fall is still has a romantic feel for me, but it is a colder season without a warm heart.  When I read the haiku triplet above it seemed to capture the essence of all of this, what Fall feels like to me now.

Peace to the Planet this season and every season...

Night Sky

The phone call caught her off guard.  They hadn't exactly kept in close contact but had stayed in touch through the years.  Hadn't heard from him, in fact, for over two years when she got the call.  Still stunned,  it brought her instantly back to that night in the spring of 1977.
 The train was almost as dingy and depressing as her month long stay on the dreary and desolate little island off the coast of Newfoundland, a school program for seniors.  Two hours down, seven more still to go. Bored and tired, yet unable to sleep, she stared out the window at the blanket of thick clouds in the night sky overhead.  There was nothing else to look at.
  Until this character teetered by, rocking with the motion of the train, headed toward the cramped bathroom in the back of the nearly empty car.  From under his floppy hat she caught his smile and his eye.  She smiled too, but only after he had passed.
  She looked out the window again and noticed a small break in the clouds.  A round hole filled with stars, like a window to the cosmos.  It looked like all the stars in the whole sky were filling this small hole in the clouds.  Feeling and hearing the train rhythmically rolling over the tracks, and seeing these stars pouring out of the clouds, she was mesmerized; lost in this miniature universe.
  "Beautiful isn't it?"  She turned to find the voice coming from the seat behind her even though she knew it was him.  Before she processed the deep voice and unusual accent (just as she had imagined it might be as she had stared at the stars seconds before) and before she even saw him, she knew.  She wasn't startled ( had she been expecting him?) and she wasn't shy, yet she couldn't find her voice, so she simply nodded and smiled in reply.  She looked back out at the growing patch of stars.  How long had he been there?  She peeked back between the seat and the window-he was looking out at the stars, but still felt her gaze, and smiled.
  For quite a while it went like this.  Silence except for the tracks passing below the train.  Unspoken was the feeling of connection between the two; a strange attraction between two seeming opposites at least by outward appearances.  From the hills in Vermont, she was seventeen, and while neither callow nor naive, there was a brightness to her that the world had yet to tarnish.  He was from Manhattan, and beyond his scruff, scars and tattoos (the om symbol on his left hand and the Hamsa hand on his right) his eyes reflected the turmoil he had seen throughout  his forty years.  They also reflected a warmth and strength that beckoned to those who could see past the pain.
  She realized she had been staring into those eyes when, finally he stood and moved to the seat next to her, taking her hand as he sat.  " I am Talif" he said.  "Lilia" she returned, shaking his hand.  With neither letting go ,they looked out together on the ever expanding blanket of stars now spreading above them.  Silence and introductions behind them, they talked and carried on like old mates.  Discussing books, movies, his past, her future and a spirituality that they seemed to share, the hours flew by. Until the whistle blew for her stop and they hastily exchanged addresses and phone numbers in the dawn of  the day with just a few stars still visible to the west.
  Lilia had loved getting his letters, long and elaborate.  And through the years they had had those phone calls, occasionally going into the early morning hours as they each looked out different windows into the same night sky.  They shared and encouraged each other, leaving indelible marks on each other's hearts and minds.  But through all the letters, all the conversations, starting with that night on the train, there was an undercurrent, a sense of missing what could have been.
  That was the saddest part of losing Talif.  Letting the tears flow and fall freely, she put the phone down and looked out at the stars above.

Such a Whiner

Parenting is the toughest job but it is also the most rewarding.  As I was writing the previous whiny post I realized this, even if I failed to note it.
  And you know when you obsess over something in your head, and it gets bigger and bigger and then you talk to someone about it and they're all "........, um , yeah.  So, what's the big deal?" and you're all "....um, yeah.  I dunno.  It seemed worse in my head..."?
  So... these two somewhat unrelated items pretty much boil down to this:  I am lucky and I am a whiner.  I am a lucky whiner.  And I am lucky to have this blog as an outlet.  And I am lucky to have sisters who read this blog and care and share and give me a grounded perspective.  I am lucky.
So WTF?  So...BFD

PTTP...

WTF?

  I find myself asking this more frequently of late.  What the Fuck?  More accurately, what the fuck am I doing? or what the fuck am I doing wrong?
  As a parent, I need to figure some shit out. Fast.  Otherwise, I fear that I am (not so) slowly going insane. I need to figure out how to get through to my  kids without nagging, without lecturing, without repetition and the frustration that it generates.  I am consistent and clear, I don't yell, and I try to be patient but that is getting harder. I try to be constructive in my criticism and I try to be accepting of their individuality and the quirks that may bring. So... WTF?
  Being a parent is difficult.  Being a single co-parent is more difficult (with much respect and props to true single parents, gotta be the most difficult).  No more backup, no more tag-team, no more help or support, at least not in the moment when you need it most.  I feel fortunate that the ex and I do seem to co-parent pretty well, remaining on the same page most of the time, and we do have each other to consult for major decision making etc.  The ex and I have different styles and strengths (and weaknesses) of parenting, and they tended to mesh pretty well.  Sure we disagreed about things but we also brought the other a different perspective as well as support.  I guess I am still getting used to that different dynamic as a parent.
  I have my children with me half of the time, a week with and a week without.  Sometimes by the end of my week with them (just finished in case you were wondering as far as the timing of this post...)  frustration has risen and perspective is hard to come by.  And then there is the week without them, which gives me time, perspective, and a refill on the patience tank.
  Much like my personal search for happiness and meaning in life (beyond my kids) I am searching for answers as a parent and trying to be a better Dad.  In some ways I feel like I have found some answers and have become a better Dad (being more understanding, accepting and a better listener)  but in other ways  I am backsliding or still searching ( I feel less patient, more easily frustrated and don't communicate well).
  So I tell myself to be patient, hold insanity at bay and keep trying and searching. And I remind myself that I am so lucky to have three fantastic kids who I love more than anything and who occasionally happen to push me and challenge me. Hmmmm....I think I just stumbled on a bit of perspective there.  I want to be a better Dad, but my kids are helping me be a better Dad simply by the challenges they present.
  While it's surely no answer, that perspective may just help in finding some.

Peace to the Planet...

The Lecture Circuit

  It happens gradually.  When you become a parent, slowly, it becomes apparent (couldn't resist) how much like your own parents you begin to sound.
  I find myself lecturing my kids more and more lately, even recycling some old bits that my folks used to lay on me.  What is most frustrating is that I seem to be recycling my own lectures more and more, repeating the same  concepts over and over (and over).  This is where the similarity between myself and my parents ends (as far as lecturing).  Either I was more scared of my parents and there consequences than my kids are of me, I was a better listener than my kids (possible but doubtful), or I simply don't remember droning, repeated lecture after same lecture (highly possible, I have a gift for blocking things from my memory, intentional or otherwise).

 When I am aware of lecturing, repeated or otherwise, I try to rectify it by  being a verbal boxer, if you will, getting in and out with quick jabs, making my point and letting it go.  But this never seems to work and I resort to lengthy lectures ( a barrage of  haymakers?) It is just as ineffective though.

 Some have said my expectations are too high and I'm too demanding.  Well I certainly wouldn't  lecture as much if this wasn't at least true in part.  While I don't expect perfection of my kids I do want the best for them and I do expect that they will try to maximize their true potential.
  And is it expecting too much that after a 25 minute shower a twelve year old emerges, you know....clean?  I was lamenting this incident recently with my Mom and she asked if he was actually in  the shower (he was).  By inference she was subtly reminding me of an incident of my own, when I was about the same age, when I was supposed to be showering, but was discovered merely running the shower while I stood enjoying the steam in the bathroom.  Busted.
 So, call it karma, what goes around comes around etc., whatever.  Meanwhile I'm just trying to get off the lecture circuit.

Peace to the Planet...

Continuously resounding in silence on the background of everything that exists

"It is not just a sound or vibration. It is not just a symbol. It is the entire cosmos,
whatever we can see, touch, hear and feel. Moreover, it is all that is within our
perception and all that is beyond our perception. It is the core of our very
existence. If you think of it only as a sound, a technique or a symbol of the Divine,
you will miss it altogether. ..... It is the mysterious cosmic energy that is the
substratum of all the things and all the beings of the entire universe. It is an
eternal song of the Divine. It is continuously resounding in silence on the
background of everything that exists." 1

"It" sounds pretty cool doesn't it?  I especially like the last sentence; "It is continuously resounding in silence on the background of everything that exists." Wow. That is some powerful it.

What is it?

Om.

These are two of the many symbols representing Om (or Aum), and upon a little wiki-research (take it for what it's worth) it seems to have many meanings as well.  I just found the above passage to be beautiful in language and meaning, and while I don't know if I believe it all, it's kinda cool just to ponder it. Om.

Peace to the Planet....

1-Amit Ray, from Om Chanting and Meditation

Movin' on

  As much as I wish I never had to see the ex again, we are unfortunately linked for life by virtue of our children ( the lifelong link being unfortunate, not the children).  So like it or not we will be co-parenting through the high school and college years, and even after that we will be sharing our childrens' marriages and grandchildren.  When I first started to realize this, it was a bit daunting.  I am more of a clean break, all or none, and out of sight out of mind type of person.  None of which would describe my current and future relationship with my ex.
  But I must be moving on a bit (time, acceptance, perspective etc.)  because not only does our continued interaction not bother me, but other stuff big and small doesn't quite throw me into a tailspin the way it might have  a year ago or even six months ago.
  Two examples.
  First is the recent passing of our anniversary,  which I totally forgot about until late in the day when someone asked me the date and I had to think about it.  And I never forgot our anniversary when we were together.  We always celebrated in some way at least a nice dinner out, and some of the more notable ones marked with a return to our wedding location for a romantic weekend or a diamond ring.  It was a big deal to me and to us.
  Last year I was pretty disturbed when our anniversary rolled around and it was made worse when Hex was in town with the ex.  So I was somewhat happy with and for myself this year when it was I was completely unaffected by it.  ( big pat on the back for me, yayyy!)
  The second and more notable event that let me know I had moved on a bit more was the recent news that the ex and Hex are going to get married.  While I was caught off guard at the news I was hardly surprised (planned for next year I wouldn't be surprised if they are already hitched and next year is just for show/family).
  It was actually kind of funny.  She had just returned from Hex's Texas and was picking up our youngest son.
"I've got something to tell you" she told me solemnly.  I thought someone had died.  My immediate response? "Wow!" and then a few awkward chuckles.  I asked how they were going to handle it (as far as logistics, moving etc) and she told me that she couldn't move.  Yes you can, I told her.  Not unless I had change my mind about custody of the kids, she said.  Uh. no. So they would continue their long distance relationship indefinitely. Once again I will note that it would have been nice if she had put as much effort into our relationship of nineteen years (or at least the crisis at the end)  as she must need to maintain this relationship and soon to be marriage to Hex.
  I will admit that for the rest of that evening I may have been in a bit of shock., but it was short lived and certainly not the quagmire of bitterness and angst that I might have experienced even a short while ago.
 Not totally unrelated, I have actually had a few dates over the summer and that has helped in the moving on process as well.  Where will it go from here?  Who knows?  But even though I'm simply looking for companionship and friendship ( with or without benefits) and not a full blown relationship, this is another sure sign that I am now a little further along the road in this whole recovery process than even I had realized.

Peace to the Planet....

The beauty of Nature

If you look for it, there is beauty in almost every thing, and every situation.  It's just that sometimes you have to look harder than others.
-TG

I have long appreciated the beauty of nature.  Through learning, introspection, and greater awareness in general, my sense of nature's beauty has been heightened of late.
 Amid the recent flooding of my neighborhood, my town, and my state I found myself able to see the beauty manifested in the raw power of flowing water.  Nature's beauty allowed me a moment's rest from the stress of the day; wondering if the raging water outside my home would soon be in my home, and wondering whether and when to evacuate myself and my kids to a safer spot.
  In the days since the flood waters receded, I have come to appreciate the beauty of nature even more.  Human nature. 
 Friends, neighbors, community, the human family all coming together to help each other and give whatever we can.  Sharing a home, a pump, a generator, a sandwich or whatever is needed.  Maybe even a kind word, a smile or a hug.  It's a beautiful thing.
  Human nature is a fickle thing and often gets a bad rap,  but there is nothing like a tough situation to bring people together, usually showing the better side of human nature. 

I was reminded of the duality of our human species' behavior today, witnessing both extremes within minutes of each other.  I had been working with a sales rep in my store when  a woman and two children looked around for a few minutes, made a purchase, and left.  Upon their exit, a man (the husband/dad?) yelled "ASSHOLES!  Thanks for making me wait!"  he hurried them into the car, slamming doors, and sped off. The sales rep and I were taken aback (as was a neighboring store owner who came in remarking "can you believe that guy?")  We were all thinking the same thing; if he treats her and the kids this way in public....
Minutes later, still stunned that one person could treat another this way, another woman came in and shopped around, gathered a few things and made a purchase, noting that she was headed home from a week long vacation and wanted to spend as much as she could in our flood ravaged state before she left.  Preparing to leave she turned and gave the sales rep a spontaneous hug then looked at me behind the counter and said she'd give me one too, but didn't want to make my wife or girlfriend jealous (which was a good natured jab at herself).  Then she says "Aww what the heck!" and leaned well over the counter, arms out, offering a hearty hug for me as well.  Wishing us both a good day, she left us with a smile.  The rep and I looked at each other with silly grins of our own, and we noted that even though the world had lots of jerks like the first guy, there are still plenty of kind, generous, thoughtful and loving people in the world as well.

So here's to the finer side of human nature.  It is still out there, everywhere, from the ordinary moments to the extraordinary.

Peace to the Planet...

It's a long way to the top...

...if you want to rock and ro-o-oll. 

Got this snappy little ditty by AC/DC firmly stuck in my head thanks to Jack Black and the movie "School of Rock". 

Love the movie.  Fun and funny.  Jack Black is pretty talented in a number of ways-comedy, acting, vocals, not to mention he could do a comedy bit using nothing more than facial expressions and it would leave you laughing.  The unoriginal storyline of the lovable loser who makes earnest but big mistakes, gets busted, then finds love, redemption or acceptance in the end woulnd't have been sucessful without the talents of Jack Black and his ten year old band mates. 

Yes, he was their "teacher" but they tought him too.

See, now it's been a while since I've covered any of the stupid stuff category here in the blog, which this movie definitely is, but it also touches a bit on life as well.  No love though.  Unless you consider Joan Cusack's principal charactor getting hit on backstage by a barechested (other than the tattoo), leather clad rocker/poser.

I think I just did a movie review...wtf?

Miles to go

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
 
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
 
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there's some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

robert frost

genius in so many ways, the simple repeating rhythms, the clever linking of rhymes from the third line of each stanza into the first, second and fourth lines of the following stanza, and then there is the eerie appreciation of the dark beauty found in nature and in life.  The dreamlike perspective that views the dark depths as lovely, linked with the reality of obligations and life's long journey.

miles to go...

Peace to the Planet...

seaglass

broken bottles on the shore...tumble long enough , then you have sea glass....memories are like broken bottles, sometimes......

the more i read this the more I love it. deep. meaningful. brief. true. wish I wrote it. makes me happy and sad all at once.

credit to fellow poet and friend D.D.