Had a good session with Maddie, my therapist, this morning. Although it didn't get off to a good start-the roads were a little slick, so she was late, (first appointment of the day), and I was jacked on caffeine, raring to go. So for the first fifteen minutes I was basically doing a speedy monolog, filling her in on the ups and downs since our last session. This included numerous reflections that I have had and shared here on the blog. By the time I came up for air I had had a new revelation. I like my visits with Maddie, but today I mostly kept recanting snippets and thoughts of my posts. Telling her about "my new blog" (first and only blog) and how it was helping. Blogging allows me the time to reflect, to feel, to share , and to let go. It's been really good for me and helpful in the process of moving forward. Plus I admitted to her and (myself) that although I started writing simply for myself, I now enjoy the feedback and interplay-I like having an audience, I like writing, and I like the minor attention it has garnered. It feels good to have someone reading what I write. Maybe even appreciate what I write or how I write.
Now, I have a few good friends and a supportive family-all willing to listen, and they have. But there is something different about the process of writing, editing, rewriting etc. that allows me to dig deeper within myself, giving me a better perpective on things. There is also something different about putting it out there for anyone to read
So now I'm thinking of continuing the sessions with Maddie, but a little less frequently. She is a family/marriage therapist and she was seeing my ex and I as a couple, when we were at the end-stage (though the ex was there to "explore her feelings" {or lack thereof} and I was there to try and do something anything, to save our marriage). Now I see Maddie solo. Sometimes this is good-since she knows the ex and what she was thinking feeling at the end of our marriage. Sometimes not so good- as I'm trying to move forward and figure out how to live my life, Maddie often steers the conversation back to the ex. I guess it cuts both ways-working for me and against me.
In the mean time, I'll keep blogging, steering the dialogue where I want it to go.
Peace to the planet...
Keeper, Maddie is only steering you back to your ex in conversation because she knows you haven't let go yet. In fact, she knows just like I do that you most likely never will. It will be with you always. It's hard to stop loving someone, if not impossible. Don't expect it to be quick and painless. There will always be something you see or smell or hear that will cause a flashback. I think I have just become calloused over the years. It's not that the pain is gone, it's just not E.R. pain anymore. It'll take some time. Be strong and hopeful.
ReplyDeleteAs a member of your "audience", I do enjoy what and how you write. I wonder if the trick isn't to try to stop loving someone, but to learn how to keep a love for them without wanting their love back. Continue to move forward Keeper. As S said, it'll take some time, but you'll get there.
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