I am a stead fast believer in honesty, integrity and even good manners. I have moral standards for myself and for those I surround myself with. Does this mean I am perfect, never lie, and always do the right thing? Of course not. It just means that's the expectation I have for myself. Does that mean I think I am better than you if you don't do the same? Absolutely not. We all have our own conscience and morals, little angels and devils on our shoulders telling us good from bad, but problems do arise when our angels and devils are telling us different things.
I have been accused several times by my ex of being holier than thou-"You think you're better than me" etc. I understand why she felt this way because I can give off a sanctimonious air-especially when I had been hurt so badly by some of the things she did to me. Things, I made clear to her, that I would or could never have done to her. So I can see where she would think that I was getting all high and mighty. While I may have intended her pain with my words, wanting her to perhaps feel some of my pain, making my point wasn't done to put myself up on a high horse (too easy too fall off). It was simply a difference in our little angels and devils. Different-not better or worse...
You see there are also choices and decisions I have made that she probably wouldn't have. I have done my share of regretful things, stupid things. So while I may occasionally point out the faults of others it's not without fault of my own.
For example-I had enjoyed marijuana for many years on a regular basis (see...not so holy after all... unless you're a Rasta). For reasons that I understand, but still don't agree with, many people feel the way about my use of pot the way I feel about honesty and integrity. More accurately the inverse is true-some people are fine with telling a lie or working the system a bit in their favor-me, not so much. While others, like me, feel that it's OK to partake in a bit of reefer even though it's against the law, others, not so much. So there is just a difference in our tolerance for certain behaviors. I found smoking pot relaxing, pleasurable and enjoyed it responsibly the way many enjoy a drink or two. But it is also a health risk and happens to be illegal (for now...but that's a blog for another day!) I had my justifications and rationalizations for smoking and they worked for me for a very long time.
That was the poor decision part-here comes the "me stupid" part. Being a bit of a stoner you occasionally do or say stupid stuff, I mean your stoned right? Well one night I went to bed stoned and left my pipe out in plain sight. I had done this on occasion before but what made me feel really stupid about it this time was that my eleven year old son found it the next morning. "What's this Dad?".......shit! Somewhere inside I had known this might happen but had never been able to (or wanted to?) come up with a good story-I got all George Washington, stayed true to myself, and thought "I cannot tell a lie". Ironically I believe George was confessing to his father while I was confessing to my son.
Also ironic is how my morals, in juxtaposition, collided. I could break the law but couldn't lie about it. After telling my son and daughter about my usage, answering their questions as honestly as possible, and then hearing my own flimsy justifications (they had sounded so good to me for all those years...) I did the only thing left to do and that was to stop smoking pot.
They knew I was no angel before this (yet another irony; at dinner the night I had left the pipe out I had shared a story about getting kicked off the soccer team my senior year in high school because I got caught smoking cigarettes) but clearly this took me down a notch in the eyes of my children, I felt bad for myself and even worse for them. But how can I ask them to be honest and to do the right thing, even when it's the hard thing, if I'm not willing to do it myself? So I like to think of this as one of those teaching moments (one I hope never to have to repeat). I also hope that someday they will appreciate that their old man was straight with them even after doing stupid stuff.
Peace to the Planet...
Well said.
ReplyDeleteKeeper, I think your kids will not only appreciate it, but I think they will give you a whole lot of respect for it. Everything has to be out in the open in order for a relationship to work. Wether it be personal, professional, or first and foremost - family. Once you start to hide things, things get weird and fall apart. I've been through the "lie" thing a couple of times, and each time it was more painful to deal with the consequences. Oh, and one more thing; I think if I found out my folks smoked pot back when I was a kid, I'd think that was cool and "going-against-the-grain" (eventually . . . after I grew up I would think that). If I found out after I had grown up and become an adult with a family of my own, I'd feel gypped out on that info, because I would now know a side of my folks I never knew. And I might even consider them liars. So props for truing up. I think it will be better in the long run. Maybe it was meant to happen.
ReplyDelete