Memories

  Talk about life being a learning process...I always thought a memory was just that , simply a memory, static and unchanging (fading a bit maybe...).  Bad memories get filed away, left alone, drawn on only to put something worse in perspective.  Good memories are relished, relived, retold and treasured.  But what happens when a good memory is now more pain than pleasure?
  How does that happen?  I certainly never thought about it and never really considered the possibility.  Not before my divorce.  The dichotomy has been slapping me in the face as I have been going throught the painful process of having my life and marriage torn apart.
  I have one of those screensavers that is a slideshow of all my photo files. It's great-pictures of the kids through the years, current shots randomly followed by baby photos, silly faces, vacations, soccer games, ballet recitals.  Then there are the shots of me and the ex dressed to the nines for a friends wedding,  self taken shots (my signature-arm extended, subjects slightly off center) of us on the beach kissing,  birthdays or better (worse?) both of us elated and exhausted (her more than me) after the birth of our son.  Painful.  It's hard to fathom when I stop and realize that;  two years ago these images/memories brought a smile, a year ago they brought a bit of hope, and now they bring pain and regret.
  I think my ex is further along in the process (in fact I know she is) because she is (still/again?) able to look back on these things fondly.  Maybe someday I will too but I am definitely not there yet.  Yes they were good times, happy times, times I appreciated in the moment, but not enough-I took them for granted.  Or rather I took for granted the fact that they would continue indefinitely.  That's where the pain comes from-not from the good memory, but the realization that there will be no more.  Not that I don't think I will ever have anything in the future to be happy about or to look back on  happily.  But it's the break in the continuum,  an end of that particular timeline.  The shared history and shared experiences are not lost, but they won't continue either.  That meant a lot to me.  We had been together nearly twenty years- that's a lot of history shared.  But because we're not together, we don't really share that history-it's just something we have in common.
  Time (or what happens during that time-also known as life) is like magic-it has an amazing way of putting things in (a different) perspective.  Whether it's marriage or divorce, births or deaths, basically beginnings or endings-everything changes over time, and our perspective on memories-good or bad-is no exception.
  I do look forward to a time in the future when I have created a new history, with new memories, and new shared experiences that will stay that way-shared.

Peace to the planet...